I'm Here! I'm Here!

I just wanted to let you know I am back. I know you have been anxiously awaiting my tales from my travels.

Well, you're gonna have to wait some more!

I was greeted by 86 phone messages, 642 emails, and a stack of paperwork about 2 feet high on my desk this morning. (Okay, I may be exaggerating a little).

But be assured, my friends, soon you shall read about my revelations from a 1000 mile journey home, why no bed is better than your own, and why sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying.

I'll post it all soon. Promise. :)

Payback's a Bitch and Drunk Ass White Chick

I just got a text message as I sit here in chilly Mississippi this morning. The replacement at my old job got fired! Not even two months and she was canned.

So, Sherri. What do you think about that?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Really? Is that really what you think?

Well, really I think: WWWAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Don't you think that's a little juvenile?

Kind of. You're right.

Here's a quote on the record:

"It's truly ironic that the person they replaced me with, who needed to be more professional, was fired for being unprofessional. Oh yeah....and, 'ha'.

Thank you. Thank you very much. :)

______________________

Okay. So on to the "drunk ass" part.

I did "party like it's 1999" on Monday night as earlier promised. I was wearing my new sweater, fuzzy pink, really awesome. My hair was looking extremely good. I was wearing my best jeans to show off my badonkadonk. I was on fire people.

I sat down at the blackjack table at the casino next to a rather large black man and was informed, "We play for keeps here." I can only assume that he didn't want some drunk ass white chick sitting next to him ruining his good betting streak. Don't worry. He was nice. He even tipped the waitress $5. for the drunk ass white chick who told the entire blackjack table her sob story about how it was her birthday and how she was supposed to be in Cancun.

Moving on to craps. My husband and I don't really know how to play so we stood next to some guys who gave us an impromtu lesson. I then proceeded to tell the entire craps table my sob story about how it was my birthday and I was supposed to be in Cancun (see a pattern here?). I then asked the guy at the craps table, "Aren't I supposed to blow on your dice?" A risky move, I know. He said, "Of course you are, here." I blew on the dice and he immediately rolled craps. He turned to me and said, "What kind of breath do you have?" Nice.

I then moved over to the slots. My mom said I had to play the "I Dream of Jeanie" slot. It's her favorite. We searched the entire casino floor and asked 4 attendents. Finally we found it. There was a woman playing at the machine beside it and a rather large black woman who looked tired and angry was sitting in front of the machine I wanted. She wasn't playing so I went up to her and politely asked, "May I play that machine?" She gave me an evil look to which I responded, "Well, my mother told me I had to." I don't think she cared. I did not tell her the "it's my birthday/Cancun" story. I had the feeling I should leave well enough alone.

So that was three days ago. I picked my beautiful fuzzy pink sweater up off of the floor this morning. It needed to be washed. I looked down at it and noticed something. The "L" sticker was stuck right on the front of the sweater. Apparently I had worn it all night with that on the side of my left boob. Nice.

Out Of Office

Sherri will be temporarily out of the office, leaving on October 24th through October 28th, returning on October 31st.

Sherri will have limited access to her blog at this time. She will try to respond to urgent comments and will return all messages on Monday, October 31st.

Sherri was supposed to be vacationing in Cancun, Mexico arriving this morning actually. Sherri is really pissed.

Sherri has decided that she will make the best of her vacation, handing the responsibility of her children over to her mother and drinking a lot.

Sherri may actually get to spend one night alone, with her husband, at a local casino. It may not survive as she has a lot of pent up frustration and feels that she must "party like it's 1999" all over again.

If you have any messages for Sherri please feel free to leave them after the beep.

*BBEEEEEEEEPPPP*

Bees vs. Collagen

Yesterday I was coerced into meeting with a Staples representative. I hate meetings like that. I have to pretend to be interested in what they are saying about the cost of paper clips or something boring like that. I don’t really care.

Anyway, I go to the lobby to meet the lady and BAM her giant top lip is just jutting out staring at me. It’s HUGE. She looks like Goldie Hawn in the beginning of First Wives’ Club when her collagen lip injection had gone bad.

So were talking and all I can think is:

Damn she’s got a big lip! Did she really want it like that? It’s just…..freaky.

“So I really want to tell you more about what Staples can do for you.”

“Uh huh.”

Do you know you look like a freak?

“Let’s go over this analysis of how we can cut costs.”

Stop staring, Sherri. Stop. Stop it.

“Um. I have a question,” she says.

Uh oh. She must have noticed me staring.

“Does my lip look big?”

What?! She asked?!

“Um….uh,” I try to stall.

She just stares, waiting.

What do I say?? What do I say??

“Um…..it’s….ah….not…..that big.”

Yeah, right.

“Oh, I was worried, I was stung by a bee and I am very self-conscious.”

Right…a bee, sure, that’s it.

“No. It’s fine really. I didn’t really notice.”

Talk about awkward.

Evil, Thy Name is Wilma

I can no longer look at Wilma Flintstone and think happy thoughts. Her namesake has me devastated.

BOO Wilma! BOO!

Hindsight is 20/20, Baby!

Conversation held in Mid-August 2005:

"So, I think we definitely need a vacation."

"I am sooo with you. I am exhausted."

"When do you want to go?"

"UMmmm...how about my birthday, in October? What about New Orleans?"

"Nah, I'm sick of New Orleans. How about Jamaica?"

"I know! Cancun. My sister loved it on her honeymoon. We can do an all-inclusive resort."

"That sounds awesome. Do you think we'll have a problem with weather? It is hurricane season?"

"They were just hit by Emily, what are the odds of another hurricane? It will be fine."

More About Me....

I was tagged by Mary a loooong time ago (as in September 12th) to complete this and in keeping with a life-long addiction with procrastination, well, I’m finally doing it.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Ten years ago I was still a kid. Well, not really a kid, I was 24. But I certainly wasn’t an adult. I was single, working as a waitress at a place called R.J. Gator’s in Boynton Beach, FL. I was in between colleges. I had my AA but wasn’t quite motivated enough to finish my BA yet.

Ten years ago I hadn’t met a certain guy that would probably single-handedly screw up my life for many years to come. That didn’t happen for about 5 more months.

Ten years ago I was living with my sister who promptly, and justifiably, kicked me out. This may have had something to do with the fact that I never paid my bills or cleaned up after myself.

Ten years ago I was just 3 days shy of getting a tattoo that I thought was cool, cried about, and then thought was cool again.

Ten years ago I had a very unrealistic idea of where I would be in ten years.

Where were you five years ago?

Five years ago I was still a newlywed.

Five years ago I had completed my BA. I used it for a couple years, realized it wasn’t making me any money and changed careers. I ended up working in the operations office for a Navy flight training squadron. This is the place where all the young “dreaming of being a hero” student pilots go to learn the art of Naval Aviation.

Five years ago I was only 5 days shy of turning 30.

Five years ago I wanted nothing more than to be a mother.

Where were you one year ago?

One year ago at this time I was still on an extended maternity leave with my second son.

One year ago I had just completed my Master’s degree (which I’m still not using, by the way).

One year ago I had no idea how fast a year can go by and how much more I could grow to love my children.

What are your five favorite snacks?

1. Doritos
2. Popcorn
3. M&M’s
4. Bagel with Peanut Butter
5. Pizza (not really a “snack” per say, but I love it!)

What are five songs that you know all the words?

Only five???

1. Like We Never Loved At All – Faith Hill
2. Romeo and Juliet – Indigo Girls
3. Real Fine Place to Start – Sara Evans
4. Something More – Sugarland
5. Sponge Bob Square Pants – The Weird Captain/Sailor Guy

What are five things you’d do with 100 million dollars?

1. Pay off all my family’s bills
2. Open a business
3. Start a gifting foundation – people in the community could apply for gifts/loans
4. Build my dream house
5. Travel

What five places do you like to run away to?

1. There was this place by the lake where I used to live in high school that I would walk to whenever I was sad or angry
2. As a teenager I used to love to drive my car up the intracoastal
3. My bed - sometimes sleep is best
4. The mall – retail therapy people
5. The refrigerator – sometimes you just need some comfort food (not really a place, I know)

What are five things you would never wear?

1. Platform shoes
2. A banana clip
3. Culottes
4. Dark blue with Black (I hate that!)
5. Facial Piercings

What are your five favorite TV shows?

1. Lost
2. Commander in Chief
3. Battlestar Galactica
4. The Office
5. The Apprentice

What are your five biggest joys?

1. My children
2. My family
3. An unexpected phone call from a friend
4. A lazy afternoon on the couch
5. Reading

What are your five favorite toys?

1. Tivo (is that a toy? I can’t live without it!)
2. I have just realized that I don’t have anything that I would classify as a toy….I need to go shopping.
3., 4., and 5. TBD

Five people to pass this on to:

1. Yoda
2. PreppyGirl
3. Princess
4. Mopey Chick
5. Shari

:)

Saddam Hussein and Hurricanes

Today is truly an historic day. Saddam Hussein, one of the most evil men in recorded history, is on trial. I am sure many of us thought we would never see this day. Probably those in Iraq are stunned and still have doubts and disbelief about the credibility of the trial and if justice will actually be served.

But it is still monumental. Finally, we are beginning to see some progress in a fight has been going on for a very long time, but for most of us, began on 9-11. I know what some of you are going to say...."What does Saddam Hussein have to do with 9-11?". Maybe nothing, but in a way everything.

As a global community we are obligated to fight for those who can't. We have to fight oppression and tyranny (hmmm...do I sound like W?) in all parts of the world. I think that finally we can see a change. I think finally there is an end in sight. It's not an end to all that is wrong in the world, but finally a way to close one chapter, a point in history to show that we, together, have made a difference.

I think, no, I KNOW that we as global citizens have to strive daily to make a difference. Even if all you can do is give $5 to the Red Cross or maybe even smile at your neighbor or open the door for someone struggling with a package. Courtesy and good will ARE contagious.

It doesn't seem a coincidence to me that there have been so many tragic natural disasters in recent months. I'm not a "the end of the world is coming" kind of girl, but I do believe in signs. I think the events of this world, man-made and natural, are due to our actions. It may be because we are inflexible in our beliefs or because we don't take care of our environmnet. Regardless, we have to begin to take responsiblity for ourselves and our actions.

I still have hope for humanity. I know that this world is full of good and kind people. I believe that sometimes it's just easier to ignore what is necessary and right for what is easy.

As I watch the trial of Saddam Hussein I am saddened by what he has done, the lives he has taken and destroyed, but I am also full of hope, for a world that I know can be better.

__________________

Personal Note: Hurricanes. I am going to Cancun on Monday so can someone please send the strongest hurricane in recorded history to destroy my resort this weekend? Oh, what? One's already on its way? Thanks so much.

__________________

Please note that I linked to Shari's blog.....it's a great read. Check it out. :)

Is it just me.....

...or does Star Jones look like a life-size bobble head doll?

IIF's

I’ve always been the type of person who has no difficulty making friends. I tend to be outgoing and invite new and different situations into my life. I enjoy change, like a challenge and have no problem with conflict and controversy.

While all of this makes me sound like a confident and sophisticated person with friends galore, it’s also somewhat of a lie. You see, my long list of acquaintances is just that….acquaintances. Most of my relationships are highly superficial.

I have a handful of friends that I would give up everything for. Truly. I have hundreds of acquaintances that I care about, but probably don’t really know them and they don’t really know me.

That’s why I like having my IIF’s so much (Imaginary Internet Friends).

I think that some of you probably know me much better than most of the people I work with and interact with everyday, maybe even better than some of my friends.

There’s something very real about writing, something that transcends a conversation. I don’t really know why that is. You would think that you could see right through someone when they are standing in front of you. But most of us are on guard when face to face with another. In that situation there is the fear of being hurt and rejected.

Writing is an outlet, a release. We can put emotion on the page and move on with life. In some ways I think it’s therapy.

Thank you to all my internet friends. You have made this blog so much more than it was ever intended to be.

I wonder….do any of you ever worry about someone you converse with on a blog? Or maybe see something on TV and think, “Wow…so and so would really like that?”

I do.

Funny, huh?

English is Your FIRST Language??

I am really sick of seemingly intelligent people butchering the English language.

1. It is specific not pacific. You don't pacifically want something. Pacific is an ocean.

2. You don't need to double double check something. By double checking it you have already checked twice. Doing it again makes it a triple check.

3. It is supposedly, not supposably. There is a D in the word. Enunciate.

4. You are looking for something, not fer/fur something. Fur covers animals. For is pronounced like the number.

5. (For my mom....love you mommy). Perfect has a T on the end of it. Use the T. It won't hurt you.

6. You are not fixin' to do something. You're just not. Don't say it.

That's all I've got. And I ain't gonna tell ya'll again to straighten up yer language!

Things DO Happen For A Reason

The phone rang at 11pm last night. My first thought was, “Who died?” because when you reach your mid 30’s that’s what you think. But luckily no one had died (we’ll someone did, but no one I know and that’s another story). It was RaceGirl.

RaceGirl and I have known each other for about six years. I knew we would be forever friends when we walked out of a job together, her freshly fired, me having just quit, boxes in hands, heads held high. I’ll give you a little backstory.

RaceGirl and I lived in Mississippi. We worked at a training squadron that trained pilots for the Navy. Imagine about 30 women providing office support for about 300 pilots. It’s a great environment for a single girl! But that’s not the story either.

The story is about having a dream and actually taking the necessary steps to getting it.

I was RaceGirl’s supervisor. She was constantly on the internet looking for jobs in Charlotte, North Carolina. Her dream was to work in Nascar. I suppose it should have bothered me that she was on the internet looking for another job, but it didn’t. Her work was always done and done well. Plus there was another reason that I couldn’t blame her for wanting to leave….

The Reverend.

The Reverend was MY boss. He was a black man (this is not a racist post, just stating the facts) and he didn’t like white people. He made my life and subsequently RaceGirl’s life difficult. He was not very educated, couldn’t spell to save his life and had absolutely NO idea what was appropriate in the workplace. He was an HR nightmare.

RaceGirl had come to me on several occasions stating how unhappy she was. She said she liked working with me, but was just fed up with the way we were being treated. She and I reported the situation to The Reverend’s boss on several occasions. Nothing was done.

Finally, after many months, my advice to RaceGirl was to make the best of her time there and continue to look for something in Charlotte.

But moving away from your home and family is tough. And sometimes it takes a push to get you out of your comfort zone. I guess what I’m trying to say, is sometimes bad things happen and it takes a long time to realize the reason.

RaceGirl was fired from that job back in 2002. She was devastated. It’s taken almost 3 ½ years but RaceGirl moved to Charlotte, held crappy jobs to get by, and just last night found out that she got a job at DEI (The DE stands for Dale Earnhardt, people). That’s why my phone rang at 11pm.

So, on behalf of RaceGirl I am drafting a letter to The Reverend. I think it’s going to go a little something like this:

Dear Reverend,

I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know how one of your former employees is doing. I’m sure you remember RaceGirl.

Well, I am proud to say that she just got the job of her dreams. You remember, the one you told her she could never get? The one you said was unattainable?

I just wanted to thank you for making her so discontent while she was there. I know without your constant abuse, lack of understanding and blatant disregard for any human consideration she wouldn’t have been able to pick herself up as quickly as she did after being unjustifiably terminated. Instead of feeling defeated she got angry. Wasn’t it funny when she sued your ass?

So, anyway I hope you’re not a race fan because I don’t think you’ll be getting tickets. But I’ll be sure to wave to you from the pits.

Sincerely,
The Supervisor Whose Employees You Told, “She’s Stupid”

P.S. Just a note. Now that I have my Master’s Degree in HR maybe you’ll finally listen. Sending out an email addressing your female employees as “My Ladies” wishing them a “Happy Valentime’s Day” (your spelling, not mine) really isn’t appropriate.

Full Circle

It's funny how your day can come full circle. I'll explain.

This morning I was listening to a morning show and the dj's were discussing how American's just keep getting fatter. We eat crap and don't exercise. Pretty simple.

One caller mentioned how portions at restaurants are bigger and the dj exclaimed, "Yeah, you eat a 320z. steak and it's free!"

I didn't think about it again until just now.

I was helping an admin. in FL find a place for a company dinner in Ft. Lauderdale. She's new to that area, I used to live there. I was about to send her the link for Shula's on the Beach, a restaurant owned by the former Miami Dolphins coach Don Shula.

Before I sent the link I got interested and went a little deeper into the site. That's when I noticed the 48oz. club. If you eat a 48oz. steak you get the opportunity to purchase a $120.00 commemorative football.

Wow, ain't that great?

It gets better. Here's a pic of the #1 member of the 48oz. club. He's eaten over 100 of them.

Sherri Needs....

I copied Yoda's idea and did the google search "Sherri needs". You have to put the quotation marks in or it won't work correctly.

According to the internet, here are the things that will fix my life (in the order found):

1. Sherri needs to know.... (hhmmm???)

2. Sherri needs prayer. (Always.)

3. Sherri needs to learn that they are not "wrong". (Everyone but me is wrong. Come on!)

4. Sherri needs a blog of her own. (Hey I have one....woohoo!)

5. Sherri needs to ask about the mach 3 she was going to get in the mail when she was 18. (huh?)

6. Sherri needs to bring to light what those that are trying to make this go away have to hide. (Oohhhh.....I'm a spy. Or a superhero!)

7. Sherri needs a year off also. (OHMIGOD! They DO know me!)

8. Sherri needs to sneak out. (I already did that as a teenager. I think I'm up to my quota, thank you!)

9. Sherri needs to meet with the DVR counselor her senior year for intake purposes. (Huh? What's a DVR counselor? Am I being committed?)

10. Sherri needs to forget the world. (Need I say more?)

So that's it. Do yours and see what you get. :)

Lost in Translation

My new job requires me to quite often make reservations for my boss. Most of the people I speak to are pleasant, all business, and conversation is short and to the point.

Unfortunately, sometimes the people I speak to are unprofessional and rude.

And then….there are those like today.

I needed to make a dinner reservation for my boss. For the purpose of this post I’ll call my boss “Bob Vanilla”.

I called an “Asian/French fusion” restaurant in East Hampton. A woman with a thick Asian accent answers:

Asian voice: Hello.

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for dinner tonight. Two for 7pm.

Asian voice: Oh yes. Two for 7pm. The name?

Me: Bob Vanilla.

Asian voice: Will you spell the last name please?

Me: V – A – N…

Asian voice: B – A – M…. (Does she really think the name is Bamilla?)

Me: No. V as in Victor, A, N as in Nancy….

Asian voice: T – A – N….

Me: No. V…VVeeeee… V as in Victor.

Asian voice: Oh. V- A- N. Mr. Bob Van? (huh?)

Me: No. Bob Vanilla.

Asian voice: Will you spell that please?

Me: (big sigh) V – A – N – I – L – L – A.

Asian voice: V – A – N – I ….then what?

Me: L – L – A.

Asian voice: Okay. That’s V – A – N- E – L – I – A

Me: (You have so got to be freakin’ kidding me!) No….Vanilla…like the bean.

Asian voice: Vanilla bean? (I am so not making this up. Except it wasn't "Vanilla Bean" because I changed the name, remember?)

Me: Not Vanilla Bean. Just Vanilla. Vanilla. Bob Vanilla.

Asian voice: Okay. Mr. Bob Vanilla. Two for 7pm. And your phone number?

Me:
555-46….

Asian voice: 545…

No way…..

It took me 5 more minutes to get off the phone. I know I’m going to have to confirm this one...twice!

Sad.

Disclaimer: For all the angry Asians reading this…. This post in no way demeans Asians….Just a way to describe the woman, people. Get over yourselves!

For Lack of Something Better....

I have decided today that I will issue a challenge to all my blogging friends. I challenge you to out yourself on some of your most embarrassing habits, likes, or moments, etc.

Here are a few of mine:

1. When I am commuting to and from work I pretend that I am on stage and sing like I’m a star. I will belt out a song like someone is paying to hear it and I actually think I’m good. I’m sure most people who see me doing this are somewhat disturbed and possible even a little scared. It must look hysterical.

2. I LOVE country line dancing. I love it.

3. I LOVE Battlestar Gallactica. It’s one of the best science fiction shows on television (next to Lost, that is.) I’m sure there is a struggling Trekkie trying to get out. Who knows maybe I’ll end up dressed like a Klingon someday.

4. I LOVE Lost. While this might not be embarrassing in itself, I do spend hours on the internet reading message boards trying to figure out the plot. Of course I do this at work, but don’t tell my boss. My husband gets frustrated because I always rewind the show to watch certain parts several times.

5. When I was in the 7th grade I laughed so hard that I peed in my pants. Seriously. It was gross. And it was at the beginning of the day. And I had to walk around all day like that. Needless to say I gave everyone a wide berth and pretended to be sick.

6. One of my dreams is to host SNL. It would be so cool. I just know I’d be funny. But everyone watching would be like, “Who the hell is that???”

So that’s it for today. How about you?

Jesus is my......

I totally stole this idea from Jen from Alaska's blog.


This is hysterical!

Now I'm all for Jesus, but who can really play football in sandals and a robe? Come on!

And what about the little kid that's about to tackle him. Is he going to hell? I mean I can only guess that tackling Jesus is considered to be a sin.

And why isn't Jesus wearing a helmet? I know he's the son of God and all, but shouldn't he be promoting safety for children?

You know what would be great?

Office Jesus statues.

I could have one of me sitting at my desk and Jesus leaning over my shoulder, hands poised on my computer keyboard as I blog away.

Or maybe when my evil pseudoboss is yelling at me, Jesus could be standing behind him at the ready, a holy wedgie's on it's way!

There are soooo many possibilities.

Any ideas???

Toll Booth Serial Killer Strikes Again

I really thought he was gone. But he was there. Today. In my lane.

I didn't realize it was him at first. I never had an upclose look at him before. He's older than I originally thought. Maybe late 30's, early 40's.

I pulled up to the toll booth, rolled down my window, and looked up just as our hands touched exchanging the money.

OHMIGOD!!! I touched him. EWWWWW......

Then he says, "I have to say you look gorgeous today. Have a nice day."

I just mumble, "Um....you too."

Oh shit! Did he think I meant he looked gorgeous? I meant have a nice day. And I didn't even really mean that! I didn't know what to say.

And he said I look gorgeous. Usually nice to hear, but not from a serial killer! And what did he mean he "had" to say it? Is there some psychosis that is forcing it out of him? Is my demise next?

Damn toll roads!

I am sufficiently creeped out. Maybe I will get EZ Pass after all.

Help A Brother Out...

Okay. I have been sufficiently nagged and now I am linking to a really awesome realtor's site. (Oh yeah...he's my husband, too).

So if you are in the Bucks County, PA area and are looking to buy or sell a house take a look.

And if you aren't in the Bucks County, PA area and aren't looking to buy a house please click on the link anyway. I'm trying to drum up a little traffic for the hubby.

Thanks for your help and more posting to come tomorrow.

Thanks ya'll! :)

Really Awesome Realtor's Site :)

Get A Clue

Why is it that no matter what you say, some guys just don't get that you're not interested?

First, I will admit that I am a flirt. It is usually innocent flirting, though. But some guys just don't get it.

Case in point....

A few weeks ago I went out with some people from work. I'm fairly new so I was thinking, this will be a good way to get to know people better. I'll meet some more people, make some friends, work will be more fun.

So we end up at a bar and there's a guy from accounting sitting next to me. I don't really know him that well so we strike up a conversation about our personal lives, etc. He's divorced, I'm married, we both have kids, he really wants to meet someone, I'm looking forward to my husband coming home from a trip, and it goes on.

He has thrown out a few flirty comments which I politely shut down. I turned the conversation to how my I love my kids and the romantic vacation I'm going to be taking with my husband soon. I figured he would get the message....you know the "even though we are all sitting here getting wasted and acting silly I love my husband and you would never ever have a chance" message?

As the night is winding down, there are only 4 of us left. One girl and her husband, and me and Mr. Flirty Accounting Guy (FAG). Girl and her husband leave. Mr. FAG is pretty drunk. I'm pretty sober. I offer to follow Mr. FAG home to make sure he gets there ok. He only lives about 3 miles down the road (don't preach that he shouldn't have drove....I know).

When we get to Mr. FAG's house, I pull up next to his car.

"Hey Sherri," he says in his drunken drawl.

"Yeah?"

"Can I see you again?" he asks.

"Yeah, I'll see you on Monday."

"I know, but I want to see you again."

"You will, silly. I'll see you on Monday at work."

"But when can I see you outside of work?" he asks.

"Dude, I'm married."

Some guys just don't get it. But he was drunk and I guess you have to give him credit for trying, even as pathetic as it was.

Xenu Will Rise Again

"So you're okay with this?"

"I think so. Tell me again what's going to happen."

"Well, now that the alien DNA has taken root in your womb, the spawn of Xenu will begin to grow until you eventually explode while giving birth."

"Um....can I survive that?"

"Sure. sure. It really won't hurt a bit. We'll just give you more of the drugs we've been giving you this whole time to make you go along with this charade."

"But I thought you didn't believe in drugs?"

"I only believe in what benefits me, baby, come on...."

"True. So, do I get to raise the baby?"

"Um. Yeah. And I really love you. Women rock."

"Oh, Tommy!"

If You Can't Do It Right....

Do you ever feel like everyone who worked before you was a complete and total idiot?

The reason I feel like this today is because even though I enjoy my new job, some of the things I have taken over are a total disaster. I mean a TOTAL DISASTER!!!

It’s so bad that the insurance company is calling because they say we owe them $43,000 that we don’t actually owe….and it’s all due to bad record keeping. So here I come and clean it up. Not without working through many lunches and countless headaches of course.

It seems that every new job I take, and that’s plenty thanks to the Navy, is worse than the next. Why hasn’t anyone before me put procedures in place? Why aren’t there any instructions for how to perform certain duties? Why, oh why, are people so stupid?

I know I can’t possibly be the only person this has happened to. I’m sure that there are those of you out there that start a new job and are equally as frustrated, right?

Has anyone actually started a new job and your workspace is neat and clean? There are manuals explaining your job functions and procedures to get those items done? The person you are taking over for is actually THERE for turnover and not a distant memory of the past and has been gone just long enough for the person who took over in the interim to completely screw everything up because they don’t care?

No? Me either.

It’s so sad. It seems like no one cares anymore. So I guess I’m old fashioned and actually want the things I’m responsible for to be right. And here’s a crazy thought….if I don’t know how to do it….instead of doing it wrong….I ask questions until I find out the correct way. What a concept! Who knew you could ask questions and do something right???

I asked the person who was working on this insurance fiasco before I took over, how she knew the right way to do it, and the response I got was, “Oh, I just did what I thought was right.” Guess what babe? You thought wrong. We’ll just take that $43,000 out of your check. Maybe next time you’ll figure out how to do it right.

Ugh.

Tell Me A Story

There truly can’t be anything funnier than a 3 year old listening to a story and repeating it back to you.

I told Charlie the story of Stanley the dinosaur who lives in the woods behind Grammy and Pawpaw’s house. Charlie likes to repeat the story to me this way:

(Notice how he always adds on a potty-training memory…not quite sure why.)

“I need strawberries. Okay. I went in the dark woods. Then clomp, clomp, clomp. Don’t eat me. I don’t eat little boys I eat strawberries. Grammy’s making a pie. They all ate pie and laughed and laughed. Then they pooped in the potty and got a fire truck. The end.”

Every time he gets to “they pooped in the potty” I start laughing so hard I cry.

Karma?

Those of you that have been with me for the past several months here in cyberspace will remember me telling you about my not-so-nice neighbor who ended up with brain cancer. Well, I saw her yesterday. I can’t tell you how much it affected me.

My husband and I went to drop of our nephews after spending the day at the zoo. They live two houses down from my old neighbor. When we pulled into the driveway she was outside. She waved, so I went over to see her. When I got close to her what I saw blew me away.

Where there was once a vibrant and youthful person, now stood a disfigured woman that I didn’t even recognize. I felt at once pity and even remorse for some of the hateful thoughts I had about his person. She probably deserved every one of those hateful thoughts, but seeing her in this condition put the pettiness of our arguments into perspective.

The right side of her forehead was caved in where some of the bone had been removed. Her mouth was twisted to the left and her speech was impaired. Her nose continually ran and she drooled when she talked. Her right eye was focused differently than her left. She is approximately 5’7” and weighed only 98 pounds. She has very little hair left.

I looked at her and I realized that the life she knew is over. Even if she makes a miraculous recovery her life and those of her family will never be the same. While we spoke I had to continually remind myself to treat her the same way I always had. I felt myself wanting to speak to her as I would a child or someone who is mentally impaired. But there’s nothing wrong with her mind. She’s just damaged on the outside now.

So what’s worse? Dying or living a life you could never imagine? I kept thinking, “Would I want to live that way?” I suppose I would if only to see my children grow up, but what would seeing me like that do to them?

I still can’t get what has happened to her out of my mind. The only way I can truly explain how I’m feeling is that it makes me want to be a better person, as if by being nicer and kinder, something that bad won’t happen to me.

I just can't stop thinking about it. What do you think?