One More Year Down

Another year is about to come to a close. It seems that every year time flies by faster and faster and, of course, I have a theory on why that is.

Everyone assumes time is constant, that no matter what we are doing time is just sitting there ticking away, tick tock, tick tock, as consistent and reliable as ever. I say, “Pshaw!” on your naïve notion of time! (Well, I don’t really say ‘pshaw’, it just sounded like something I should say….Anyway….)

I believe that time is relative. It’s relative to your surroundings, what you are doing, and of course your personal point in your time. I present to you…..dum da da dum da da dum!!!! (that was supposed to be drums and fanfare – imagine confetti and streamers).....Sherri’s Theory of Relativity! Let me explain…

Ever notice how time really drags when you are doing something you hate? Or how time flies when you are having fun? (Cliché, I know).

And what about as you age? I know we have all heard ourselves say, “Gee, it seems like each year goes by faster than the last.” I am here to tell you that it does. Each year does goes by faster for each of us.

Consider your life being represented by a pie and each year is a piece. If you are three you have three big chunks, but if you are forty each year is one itty bitty slice, therefore, relative to you, each year you age makes each year smaller, therefore shorter and less monumental as the last.

See? I’m a genius! (Or quite possibly just stating the obvious.)

Regardless of my impending Nobel Prize for this monumental discovery, I hope you all have had a wonderful 2005, and if you haven’t, then here’s your opportunity for a fresh new start for 2006. Either way, I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

The Alternate Life of Christmas Toys

I have always believed that toys have an alternate life when humans are not around. When the movie Toy Story came out I went, “I knew it!” I guess maybe that’s why I never liked dolls. I was always convinced that they would come to life while I was sleeping and kill me.

Due to this “alternate life” of toys I am concerned about my kids and their Christmas presents. It has to be very difficult on the toys all being thrust into a new environment at the same time. They have to struggle to develop a hierarchy of power. They have to decide who is in charge and who will police the wayward toys. In fact, I think trouble may already be brewing.

Charlie, my 3 year old, asked for two Power Rangers Megazords which, of course, he got. The large Megazord seems pretty complacent, but I am not so sure about the small one. It is always lighting up with the siren blaring and it is forever losing pieces. I am not entirely convinced that this is by accident. The small Megazord may be a bad seed reminiscent of the Chucky movies. I found Charlie lying in bed Christmas night, tossing and turning, talking in his sleep, “No Mommy! That’s not how I like the Megazord! Put it together the other way!” Scary, huh?

Then there is the case of the missing Watchful Woodsman. Matthew, my 18 month old, loves Little People. He received the Watchful Woodsman set this year. I think the small Megazord may have taken him out because he has already gone missing. I suppose when you are trying to put yourself in power you should take out your most dangerous adversaries first. And I suppose the Watchful Woodsman would qualify. I mean, he does slay dragons.

In hopes to reunite our new Christmas toy family, Charlie and I sent Rodney Copperbottom (Robots movie) in search of the woodsman, but Rodney returned without his armor and missing part of his right arm. I’m not really sure how the fight went down or who was involved, but I think small Megazord is slowly bringing toys over to the dark side.

So far, all the little people animals are accounted for. I am going to keep a close watch on them because I fear for their safety. I think the small Megazord’s bloodlust is not even close to an end. Matthew and I constructed a corral made of all the little people fences that came with multiple sets. We have placed the stomping Brontosaurus and the Red Mystic Ranger on watch. Hopefully they will be able to keep the evil at bay.

Good luck to you all with your new Christmas toys. I hope they can coexist peacefully. For now, my house is on edge. But hopefully things will settle in soon. I’ll keep you updated on the Watchful Woodsman. Keep him in your prayers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

To all my friends out there in cyberspace:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I hope you all have a very joyous holiday with those you love!

I'll see you next week.

~S

We Interupt Our Regularly Scheduled Blog....

All other posts and holiday events have been preempted by:

Dum da da dum da da dum dum

Dum da da dum da da dum dum

PRESSURE!

Yes, folks. That’s right. The pukes have hit again. What is up with this? I haven’t been sick with a flu for 5 years and then twice in 2 months? So unfair!

And you know what’s better then having the pukes? Having the pukes at work. That’s right. I’m at work.

Why, you ask?

Well, that’s because of the policy that you should stay home if you’re sick but if you really follow that policy and stay home you get in trouble. Oh…the irony!

So I am going to sit here and stare mindlessly at my computer and only do work if asked. The rest of the time I am going to look busy when people are around and hold my head in my hands when I’m alone.

BUT…..

Since I don’t want to seem like too much of a whiney baby, and in the spirit of Christmas, I am going to list all the wonderful things that are happening to me today:

1.

Well, there you go! Hope you have a great day.

Puke, Poop and Coughing....Oh My!

I haven’t posted in awhile and I am fully aware that I am slacking. I have been unseasonably busy at work. I thought the holidays were the time to slack. Apparently no one told my boss.

Besides my crazy work schedule I have been dealing with:

1. A pukey baby. I love him, but when they puke….not so cute. And of course he puked on the carpet the day after it was cleaned.

2. A ridiculous (eh hem…channeling Forrest Gump) “cough due to cold”. I have to continuously drink water so that I don’t get that tickle in my throat that throws me into a 10 minute coughing fit, but when the fit finally does hit I have drank so much water that I pee my pants before I can get to the bathroom. Seriously. It’s just gross. I mean who really wants to sit at work for 6 more hours with pee pee pants? Hmmmm???

3. Poop on my floor. My husband and I go to my work Christmas party (on a work night….ugh) and get home at 11:30. We are tired and ready to go to bed. So what happens? The toilet clogs. But not only does it clog, it overflows. And it wasn’t a #1 that stopped it up if you know what I mean. My husband is furiously plunging the toilet as the water quickly turns to brown and the stinky, murky, chunk-filled water starts its sickening descent onto the floor. I rush to the linen closet and pull out about 15 towels to stop the flow before it reaches the carpet. Just gross.

So that’s how my week has been. How’s yours going?

Oh….and Merry Christmas! :0)

Dear Northern Drivers

It appears we have a little problem. First let me say that, yes, it’s true that I am new to the North.

(Which was so blatantly pointed out to me yesterday by the gentleman who walked up to me at the gas station as I was shivering while pumping gas, pointed to my Florida plates and said, “Sure isn’t Florida, huh?” and then proceeded to walk off delivering to anyone in a 5 mile radius a cackle that was eerily reminiscent of Vincent Price in Thriller).

And being new to the North I will not claim to know everything about driving in snow. But people…..come on! If you have lived here for more than one winter you know that it is completely ridiculous that 3 days after a snow storm for the top of your car to still be covered with 4 inches of snow.

While this may not inconvenience you, it is quite possibly an inconvenience to me. First, I sincerely love being pelted by the snow that is so happily blowing off the roof of your car providing me with my very own personal blizzard on the way to work. Did you know that when it’s 15 degrees out that even if you are lucky enough to have wiper fluid that isn’t frozen, as soon as you try to clean your windshield little ice crystals form impairing your vision even more?

And you know what I like better than the “Made for Sherri mini-blizzard”? That would be when a giant chunk of ice rockets off the top of your car, does a triple axel and then proceeds to SMASH into my windshield. I must say that the car I almost sideswiped during this fun surprise certainly enjoyed it as much as I did!

So go to Wal-mart or K-mart or wherever you shop and buy a long handled broom and clean off your damn car. Jackass.

~S

I'm Slacking....I know...

I want to apologize to the 3 people who read this faithfully. I have been extremely busy with work, kids and life in general and when I finally do have time to write I am too tired to put a coherent sentence together.

I do have several stories to share with you and I promise before the week is out I will at least post one.

In the works:

- Stupid drivers and why you should have a permit to drive in the snow

- How drunken college kids are annoying

- Christmas shopping 101

Hope you are all enjoying this Christmas season.

~ S

It Seemed So Real

"So how old are you? 22?"

"Um, no." I replied. "I'm a bit older."

"25?"

"No."

"Higher?" He asked in disbelief.

I nodded my head.

"28?" His voice went an octive higher.

I shook my head this time and gave him that 'aren't I cute, can you really believe I'm this old when I look so good' smile.

"30????" He cried.

As I was about to open my mouth to give an affirmative reply it hit me.....I'm NOT 30. I'm 35. Oh shit!

And then I woke up.

It was a dream. An extremely vivid dream. But it is also the truth. I am shocked when people ask me my age and I have to reply '35'.

Frustration

I had one of those movie moments yesterday, and not in the good way. I guess the best way to characterize it would be as a Bridget Jones moment. You know where the likeable and plucky heroine fumbles at every turn. That was me…only noticeable less likeable and certainly not as plucky.

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I had to sneak out of work early to get there on time. I ran up to the door with 5 minutes to spare feeling pretty good that I actually made it on time through rush hour traffic. I reached down to turn the handle and it didn't move. Huh?

I looked through the window and saw a woman typing at her computer.

Knock. Knock. I have an appointment.

She gave me the “one minute” finger and came to the door.

This office is closed. Your appointment is at our office at the hospital.

Now I NEVER make appointments at their office at the hospital. You have to pay for parking and walk about a half a mile to get there.

After much maneuvering and negotiating I got her to agree to talk to the doctor about squeezing me in to her completely booked schedule sometime in the next 3 months.

Great.

Off to the mall, shopping I must go. Did I mention that I hate shopping?

Part of my problem is I always know exactly what I want which is sometimes worse than having no clue as to what you want. When you don’t know what you want you can browse and when something catches your eye you’re usually happy with your find. When you know exactly what you want they either have it or don’t.

I wanted either a gold or red sweater made of a heavy smooth fabric with a large, loose turtleneck and glitter specks. I know, a little too precise. But I would have taken something close.

There was nothing. NOTHING!

Well, nothing if you consider nothing consisting of holiday dresses that are so beaded I would need two other people to help me stay upright, tops with enough sequins to reflect moonlight into daylight, or hideous knit creations that even my grandma would have laughed at.

So I moved on to the next store. And the next. And the next.

Finally my feet were hurting so I sat down in the food court for some pizza. The pizza was pretty good. I started to feel a little better.

Okay, Sherri, you’ll be fine. I’m sure there’ll be something at the next store.

And just as I was feeling better I bit my lip.

Actually, I mauled my lip. I bit into it so deeply that blood was spurting out.

I trudged over to the next store, still fighting my frustrations from the day. I walked around aimlessly from rack to rack passing the same items two and three times. I was tired, I was cranky….I….I saw a sweater.

Not a holiday sweater, but one that I REALLY liked nonetheless.

Okay, I’m going to try it on. At least I’ll get one thing I like and salvage the night.

I tried on the sweater and it was at the borderline between really awesome and I wouldn’t be caught dead leaving the house in it. Do you know what I mean? It’s a decision that you can’t make on your own. You MUST have a girlfriend with you to give you feedback. I thought about asking a stranger, but figured they’d just lie to me.

As I took the sweater off, I realized that my black pants were covered with fuzz. And ladies, it was the kind of fuzz that you can’t wipe off. I was completely coated.

I threw my coat on over my now fuzz covered pants and decided I was going to leave the mall. As I was driving home I gave myself a pep talk.

It’s not that bad. You’re just frustrated from the day. Things will get better.

I decided I would hit one more store on the way home. I went in looked around, saw nothing and decided that I would just go home. I walked out to my car and as I opened the door I heard a pinging sound on the ground.

I looked down and there lying in the slush left from the melting snow was a button. A button off my coat to be precise. At that moment all the energy drained from me. The button on the ground just symbolized all the unfortunate events of my day.

I picked up the button and put it in my pocket and drove home.

So far.....

I have already dealt with today:

1. Traveling to work in the snow, while not such an unbelievable feat, is made more difficult by morons who can't seem to grasp the concept. I'm from Florida people, if I can do it so can you!

2. Gas related pain due to a banana....who knew?

3. A phone call from a terminated worker who, even though he was caught smoking pot, feels he was termed unfairly and his ex-boss should watch out or someone "might slit his throat."

4. An insurance company who terms my employees for no reason with no notice and when I ask them why they did it they can't give me a reason.

5. Frantic phone calls from people who want to make their problem my emergency. Sorry people...if you could have avoided it and it is happening to you because of your own stupidity...not my problem.

6. The dread of having to go to "THE" doctor today....UGH!

7. Bad Christmas music. Need I say more?

Old

I really don’t know what the deal is. I used to not have to worry about things like this, but I realize the older I get the more my body is just falling apart.

I have so many gray hairs I truly can’t keep up with the hair color.

I am sitting here right now in pain because I ate a banana. A freakin’ banana! And don’t think gallbladder you all-knowing ladies, cause I already had that removed.

UGH! Aging sucks. Why can’t we just get to a fully grown point and just stop there? Why do we have to reach a peak and then decline?

You spend your whole young life waiting to grow up and as soon as you are there…Bam! The jokes on you, you get old.

I can’t eat Mexican, Chinese or anything fried without pain. I drink wine I get heartburn. And let’s not even talk about other….um….lower functions. I just don’t think I can handle potty humor today.

And what’s with back pain and creaking joints?

So I trudged out to the car through the snow today, bundled up in my coat, scarf and gloves and dragged my old ass to work, feeling gassy and bloated because I ate a banana.

How are you?

Some Jobs Just Suck

Some jobs just have to suck, don’t they?

I have had my share of crappy jobs to be sure. And I am lucky enough to currently have a job that I actually like and it even pays enough to cover my bills, so I am not personally complaining (A first, I know.)

I am complaining for those less fortunate. For those individuals who when they took their jobs at a toll booth or a drive-thru thought, “Wow, this is gonna be great!” Only to eventually face the sad reality that their jobs suck.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike.

You know I had to bring it up, didn’t you? How must it suck to work in a toll booth? It’s cold in the winter and hot in the summer, you have to smell car exhaust and listen to the hum of traffic all day, and you have to deal with annoying people who (gasp) want change.

I know, I know. You work in a toll booth. The word toll is actually defined as a “fee”, which in turn means you have to take money. You should definitely be angry and show how inconvenienced you are when I ask you to count 6 quarters. The nerve of the motorist who actually returns the change you have given out in order to pay their toll.

Please look at me with disgust and shake your head as your shoulders heave with the big sigh you are expelling. I know your job sucks, its okay. You are entitled. I am truly a nuisance, cutting into your newspaper reading and abduction plotting time. I apologize.

Drive-thrus.

Yes, the infamous drive-thru. A necessary evil of our fast-paced life. Joe Pesci was certainly right when he stated the obvious fact, “They f*ck you in the drive-thru.” It is truly a time to be ever vigilant and on your guard.

I was lucky enough to visit Arby’s three nights ago.

“May I take your order?”

“Yes. I’ll have a number 1 and 2, both with curly fries and root beer, two kids chicken finger meals with curly fries and milk and an order of potato cakes.”

“That was a number 1 with a coke?”

“Um no. It was a number 1 and 2, both with curly fries and root beer, two kids chicken finger meals with curly fries and milk and an order of potato cakes.”

“So a number 1 and 2, a kids meal and a milk?”

I just drove around to the window. I figured we should just take care of this face to face.

I pull up and the window is open. A girl is starting at me and the guy I was talking to has his back to me. The guy says, “I can’t get this f*cking order. This stupid woman can figure out what she wants.”

Moi???

The girls eyes get really wide.

“Um…I think she’s right there,” the girl points at me.

The guy slowly turns around. His face turns red and he looks at me sheepishly.

“Hi, uh, sorry. What did you want again?”

I couldn’t even be mad. If I worked in a drive-thru I would probably hate all my customers too. Especially those minivan driving moms. Oh, aren’t they annoying!

I suppose they could have it worse....they could all be working at Wal-Mart.

Word Verification

Is it just me or has the word verification feature on blogger gotten a little ridiculous?

I think my last word verification entry looked a little something like this:



WTF???

(You get 5 points if you can decipher....discuss among yourselves.)