200! (...and Payback's a Bitch)

Well, this is it. Number 200!

Not only does this post have the distinction of being number 200 it also marks one of those rare moments when I go to give someone their payback....and man, ain't it a bitch!

Remember that nasty salesman that called me and his rude Joe Pesci comment? Well another representative of his company called today. And I just happened to have rude salesman's name down in my phone log. And I just happened to ask the new representative if he knew him. And he just happens to be the boss of rude salesman. And I just happened to relay to him how very rude, rude salesman was. And new representative was very upset and concerned. :)

Ahhhh.....revenge IS a dish best served cold!

Mom

I don't know if most of you know this, but my Mom reads this everyday. Sometimes I think I should censor my posts, but I figure she already knows the type of person I am so not much I could write would surprise her.

We spoke on the phone earlier today and she asked me how to post a comment. Mom's generation isn't very computer savvy, so I gave her the quick run down and she said she might post a comment every now and then....she said she wasn't sure if she should.

My Mom says she likes to read this because it makes her feel close to me. She lives in Mississippi while I am in Pennsylvania. She also said that she enjoys all of your comments and that she thinks I have "a lot of real nice friends on the internet."

So all of you, please take a moment and say "hi" to my Mom. She's definitely one of the nicest people I know. She puts up with me so she has to be.

Lunch Story

I really don’t like to criticize people…….

Oh who am I kidding? I live for it.

Anyway, I had some interesting experiences during my lunch break yesterday. So let the criticism begin!

I went to the mall to have the contacts in my boss’ old phone transferred to his new phone. Once I was done with that I figured it was time for lunch. I made my way down to the food court, ordered a salad and walked over to the cash register. While I’m waiting for the cashier to notice me I look back at the person in line behind me. It’s an older gentleman, probably around 60. He’s fairly nice looking for his age with snow white hair.

But….

His one distinguishing feature is the giant inch long hairs poking out of his nose. There was so much hair that you could have knitted a baby cap out of it. It was absolutely disgusting.

Now, I can understand the extra abundance of nose hair in say, a homeless person, or maybe someone in an impoverished country who doesn’t have money to invest in personal hygiene. But this guy was a business man. Expensive suit, quality overcoat, nice shoes.

It was nasty.

So I turn to the cashier who looks at me, glances at the man and looks back at me with wide eyes. I just give her the “I know, I know” look but remain silent so not to offend.

The cashier rings me up. “That’s $7.41.”

I hand her a ten dollar bill. She rings in the ten dollars. Her cash register shows that my change is $2.59. I give her a penny so I won’t get so much change. As soon as the penny hits her hand she freezes. She looks up at me and once again her eyes get wide. She doesn’t know what to do.

Finally, after much deliberation she hands me two dollar bills and two quarters.

“You owe me a dime,” I say to her.

“What?”

“You owe me a dime.”

“Ummm…..but you gave me a penny.”

“I know. And you owe me a dime.”

“Umm….okay.”

She hands me the dime.

Finally, I get back to my car. I want to get back to the office to eat my salad because by now I am starving. As I pull up to the light out of the mall parking lot I notice that car in front of me has a vanity plate…..”Elaine-9”. I am assuming the vanity plate means that her name is Elaine and she was born in 1909. That is the only explanation.

When Elaine-9 pulled out of the mall she drove straight down the middle of the two lanes of traffic. I don’t know if she possibly thought that the line was a guide for the middle of her car, but apparently that was what she was doing. As she started to make the left turn out of the parking lot, she stopped. She just stopped in the middle of traffic. With me behind her. In the middle of traffic. Finally, Elaine-9 summoned up the energy to pull the steering wheel far enough to the left to maneuver her car into the appropriate lane allowing me to finally get out of harms way.

As I passed Elaine-9 I got a look at her. She certainly looked like she could have been born in 1909. She was wrinkly and extremely small as if every year she had lived had taken an inch off of her.

I feel for the elderly who have to deal with the fact that they are losing their capabilities along with their freedom, but if you getting to go to the mall on your own means me getting killed in a car accident, well too bad, stay home.

So that was lunch yesterday. How was yours?

Weird

I was tagged by Wordnerd to spill the beans about five of my weird habits. I don’t know if the word “habit” would accurately explain these five things. They are more like weird inherent traits. I call them that because I have absolutely no control over them.

1. I am obsessed with things being neat.

Okay, I know this doesn’t seem that weird but I think I border on OCD with this one. When I was in college and lived alone I couldn’t sit down to study for a test until my entire apartment was clean.

I could be sitting on the couch, studying for an anatomy exam and my eye would rest on a knick knack on a shelf. The knick knack would be about 2 inches too far to the left. I’d go back to studying. I’d look back up. I’d go back to studying. I couldn’t concentrate. All I could think about was that damn knick knack. Finally I’d get up and move it.

Of course by the time I’d get back to studying I’d notice something else and the process would start all over again. I finally decided that the best way to avoid this was just to go ahead and clean the entire apartment before studying. I know it sounds drastic, but it was the only way.

2. I get freaked out when someone touches my belly button.

I REALLY hate it. I’m not sure why. During…..you know…..my husband has been forewarned that there is a 2 inch comfort zone all the way around the belly button. If he starts to invade that space he is given a stern warning and if he actually touches it. Forget it. Mood broken.

3. I count stairs.

I suppose this is similar to Wordnerd counting the steps to her car, although she does this to avoid cracks. I on the other hand have a very real need to know how many steps there are when I am going up a staircase. Why? Don’t know.

In my last house there were 13 steps. In my new house there are 9, a landing, and then 5. The house I lived in as a kid had 17. The main stairs at my work have 12, a landing, and 12. The back stairs at my work have 13, a landing, and 13. I don’t think I should know this.

4. I am afraid of the beach at night.

This isn’t the normal, it’s dark and someone might come and kill me afraid. This is the it’s dark and if I turn my back on the ocean some undiscovered sea monster will emerge from the churning waters and eat me and no one will know what happened to me kind of afraid.

5. I like being sick.

Now you are proabaly thinking, "She really is a nutcase." But please realize this isn’t the, I have Munchausen’s Syndrome and want to hurt my kids or I’m some kind of hypochondriac and want some deadly disease kind of thing. This is the, I’m really tired and stressed and worn out and isn’t a cold great so that my husband will bring me chicken soup and watch the kids and I can stay in bed all day and watch TV and read books kind of thing.

So those are my five weird things. If you don’t know me and you read this you are probably assuming that I am an OCD and phobia-ridden hypochondriac. It’s scary how close to the truth that really is!

Okay, now to spread the joy. I am tagging:

PreppyGirl

Princess

Shari

Nilo

Kurt

TV Is Rotting My Brain

Why do I watch stupid television shows? Why? At the time I’m watching I think to myself, “This is completely ridiculous!” Yet I still watch.

Example:

Invasion

Sorry to those of you who like this show. I like this show, but it is stupid.

On the last episode one of the characters was talking to his current wife. She was upset because he had been spending too much time with his ex-wife. Here’s his explanation.

“Honey, it’s not what you think. I’ve been spending this extra time with Mariel because Tom may not be human anymore. When his plane crashed the things in the water attacked him and changed his genetic code. Now Mariel is one of them too, but she is fighting it. I’m trying to help her, for the kids’ sake. These hybrids have been known to kill. She needs my help.”

WHAT??!!!

Here’s the stupidity. If I knew my husband was attacked by aliens and he was no longer human and there was a history of these hybrid beings killing their children I wouldn’t be hanging around. Sorry honey.

And how did the actor even get that out with a straight face? How many takes did they have to do? I would have been like, "Listen. Mr. Director. I can't say this. This is just really stupid. I know you're paying me and all, but man.....what the hell were the writers thinking?"

Okay, next show….

Skating with Celebrities

Yep. I watched it. Why? Not really sure. Maybe it was that ‘looking at a train wreck’ mentality. Here’s the really sad part. Most of these people could barely skate. At times there were arms flailing and feet shuffling and looks of horror across the celebrities’ faces but yet, when it was all over, the judges said, “Great job. That was really entertaining.”

WHAT??!!!

No. No it wasn’t. Here’s what I would have said if I where the judge:

“Todd Bridges, what the hell made you think you could skate? At least Jillian Barberi skated as a child and if nothing else we can look at her boobs. But you, what have you got to offer? That sucked. I was embarrassed not only for you but your family. Seriously. It was just sad. And since when does being in a 70’s sitcom make you a celebrity? (turning to the producers) How deep in the barrel did we have to go before we got him? Why the hell did you think this was a good idea? What the hell am I doing here? I’m out. (storming off the set)

Well, actually, I would have never agreed to be on that show. But if I had I would have said that.

And you’re wondering if I’ll be watching next week.

Ummm……

*hanging head*

Yes.

Help Please

I try to be nice and link to other blogs and what does it get me??? My entire sidebar is now at the bottom of the page. Why? Don't know. All I did was add the link. I didn't touch anything else. So Adam, it was your blog I linked too....any suggestions?

*sigh*

Questions Answered

First let me start by saying, “You guys rock!” Seriously. Thanks for all the recent comments and feedback. I was pleasantly surprised with all the questions and suggestions for a post, so I’m going to address some of those now.

1. Explain any wacky secret theories you may have about life, or self-help books, or movies, or chocolate, etc. (submitted by Sleepless Mama)

Wow! What a question. Where to start?

I already explained Sherri’s Theory of Relativity in a previous post, so I’ll be lazy and link that here.

It’s funny that you mentioned self-help books. I have actually tried to write one several times. Basically it would have been one of those, how to be more organized-deal with stress-lead a happier and better life books. But of course I was so unorganized, stressed out and miserable that I never got past the first page. Do you see the irony here?

I actually think self-help books are over-rated. Most of this stuff is common sense, but over course it takes some over-paid, self-important yahoo to tell us these basic life skills (that, of course, we already know) before we will use what we already know. (Did you notice how many hyphens were in that paragraph? Is the use of hyphens directly proportional to the need to use more hyphens in the future? Maybe another theory is brewing here!)

Okay, moving on….

Movies. I love movies. But I think we need to be careful. Movies have much more power than we give them credit. They shape what becomes accepted in society and also influence the actions of our youth. People who don’t think they do are living in a fantasy world.

Chocolate. The world’s most perfect food. Need I say more?

2. What does the name ‘Kennedy’ mean to you? (submitted by Adam the uber god)

When I think of the name Kennedy I initially think of a dream lost. I was born seven years after Kennedy was assassinated so I never had the opportunity to personally experience the Camelot years. But I do think that his history is taught with a sense of awe and hope of what could have been.

The name Kennedy also brings to mind the following words: scandal, controversy, old wind bag (can you guess which Kennedy I’m referring to there?), and of course American Royalty.

Well, that’s all I have time for today. I’ll try to address some more of your questions and comments. Keep them coming!

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Nasty Salesman Update:

I can’t believe it! I got another nasty salesman call. Go figure.

This guy wanted to talk to my boss about collections. I kept telling him that collections was handled by our accounting department. He then insisted that he MUST speak to the owner of the company that someone below the owner couldn’t POSSIBLY make the decision to use his company. I told him my boss hires people to do these things for him, they are called “employees”.

Yes, You Are Here To Amuse Me

First let me say thank you to those of you who have provided suggestions for future posts. I greatly appreciate it. I will tackle Kingfisher’s MILF subject matter as soon as possible. But…..I actually have something to tell you today.

I usually receive four or five calls a day from different companies wanting to do business with my boss. I have specific instructions that if he doesn’t know them to throw the message away. This one guy has been calling every other day. Finally I started to feel sorry for the guy.

“Good Morning, Big Boss Man’s Office, this is Sherri,” I answered pleasantly.

“Yes, May I speak to Big Boss Man, please?”

“I’m sorry. He’s out of the office. May I take a message?” I asked.

“Thanks. This is Pushy Salesman from XYZ Company. I’m just following up on some literature I sent to Big Boss Man last week. I’ve called several times but haven’t heard back.”

Okay. I remembered this guy. He had called about four times before. I knew he wanted to talk to my boss, but I figured I’d save him a little time.

“Oh hi, Pushy. I remember you. Do you have some specific information I could relay to Big Boss Man about your call.”

I figured if I could find out specifically why he was calling I could then let him know that we weren’t interested.

“No. The information I have to give to Big Boss Man is from our Mergers and Acquisitions Department and it is private proprietary information from some interested buyers.”

Okay, I KNOW that our company is not for sale so I figure I’ll help the guy out. Not trying to sound completely rude I try to soften the blow with words like “probably” and a little laugh in my voice.

“Well, Pushy, just to save you some time, I do know that our company is not for sale so that’s probably why Big Boss Man hasn’t gotten back to you,” I relay (with aforementioned laugh in my voice).

“Well, you said probably so you aren’t sure. Just give him the message,” he snaps.

He’s pissing me off. I HATE when salesmen think they can be rude to me to get through to my boss. So the wrong tactic.

“No, actually I am sure,” I reply (once again with a polite, pleasant laugh in my voice even though he’s pissed me off. FYI - Think a smiling phone voice not a hysterical maniacal laugh).

And he replies……

“What?! Do I sound like Joe Pesci to you?! Do you think I’m funny! There sure is a lot of laughing going on over there! Just give him the message!” he shouts, without a HINT of laughter.

HUH?

Is he actually wanting something from me and being rude?

Before I could reply he hung up.

What a jackass.

Milestones

Well, my faithful readers (or unfaithful, I know some of you cheat on me with other blogs!)....anyway, it seems I have reached a milestone...

Over 10,000 hits on my site!

I think that's pretty cool.

I am also precariously close to 200 posts, but that's going to take another week or two to reach.

I look back over the past 9 months of posting my thoughts, ideas and experiences and realize that when this started it was out of boredom. Now it's more out of habit and need.

I love being able to put things out there and hear what you all think about it. Some of you affect my opinions and actions more than you know. Thanks for being there over these past months. It is amazing how much has happened.

It is also amazing what is about to happen.

The Navy has decided that my husband would better serve them in Jacksonville, Florida rather than here in the Great White North (or the Barren Lands as I sometimes like to call it). So we are awaiting the official word, but rumor has it that we will be moving sometime in June.

So, if I end up getting a house with a pool you are all invited. I'll keep you posted.

Finally, as I mentioned I am very close to 200 posts and I find that I seem to be running out of things to say lately, so I have a bit of homework for you. Will you all please post a question or a topic in the comments section? I'll try to respond with a post to each of you. Thank you for your help!

Oh, the Irony!

It's funny how you say something, not realizing that it's about to happen.

Remember my post from the other day, when I just happened to mention that I am broke and bought groceries with my credit card?

(Let me first preface this post with a disclaimer: I am not really "broke". I make enough money to pay my bills with a little left over for the occasional dinner out, etc. The problem is that I usually schedule my bills to be paid before all the money is actually in my account usually rendering me "broke" for two or three days waiting for my windfall. With that said, back to the post...)

Well, I went to the grocery store at lunch today to buy a few things. My husband is in Virginia at a class and I am already worn out from the kids and couldn't bear to drag the two of them around the store after a long day at work. I get to the check-out counter, glance behind me and who do I see? A guy from work.

He tries to be funny and puts his soup and sandwich with my groceries as if I'm going to buy it. Ha. Ha. We exchange pleasantries and then stand there as my items are rung up.

"Ma'am, your card is declined," the clerk said to me.

Huh???? I just got money out yesterday and had over $400.00.

Well, apparently my husband had scheduled a few bills that all but wiped out the account. I was penniless. And I was standing at the check out. With all my groceries already bagged. With someone I work with standing behind me.

Now I had two options. I could use one of my credit cards, but I wasn't sure which one had any money on it. I was scared to risk having another card declined. I don't think I could bear it. So I opted for my other option...

"I'm so sorry," I apologized to the clerk. "I guess you'll have to put it all back."

As the words are barely out of my mouth my co-worker reaches in front of me and swipes his bank card and pays for my groceries. I just looked at him in disbelief. I know I should be appreciative, but I was EMBARRASSED! I suppose it would have been more embarrasing to walk out of the store with my groceries still sitting in the cart, but at least none of those people know me.

So I went back to work, tail between my legs, thankful to Brad that my kids have their fruit snacks and more importantly, I can snack on my Double Dutch Chocolate Muffin.

Oh yeah, and I owe him $65.00.

So now, as we review, the words of my past haunt me. 'I bought groceries with my credit card.'

I was too poor to do even that.

I bought groceries with someone else's credit card!

Um....Yeah.....

My boss received a beautiful glossy catalogue from a realtor in Palm Beach, Florida. He is looking to possibly purchase another house. (For those of you who don't know, my boss is worth several 100 million) Being from South Florida, I paged through the catalogue and recognized some of the more prominent homes in the area.

When my boss arrived at work I handed him the catalogue.

"This came for you," I said.

"Oh great, I can't wait to look through it," he replied.

"I took a peek at it. I actually recognized some of the homes from when I lived in Florida."

"Oh did you? Aren't some of them amazing? I just don't know where those people get all their money!" he exclaimed.

So would this be a good time to let my boss know:

- I bought groceries last month with my credit card because I am broke.

- His annual salary, excluding his company profits, is 17.55 times more than mine.

- My last real vacation was in the year 2000.

Probably not.

"Yeah. I just don't know either," I replied. "Some people are just really wealthy."

Underpaid

I have a challenge for you all:

Review your job duties at work, figure out how many full-time jobs you really do (I do the work of three people at my office), and calculate what your annual salary should be according to salary.com.

Here's mine:

Executive Assistant (My actual job title) - $45,010
Benefits Administrator (What I spend most of my time on - oh yeah, and I'm the only person at my company who does this) - $48,717
Website Content Manager (A "fun" collateral duty that fell in my lap) - $77,950

So technically I should be making $171,677 a year!!!

And my salary isn't even close.

Ugh.

Poop Report

The other day my husband was sick. For some reason my husband and I feel it necessary to share all of our odd bodily functions during illnesses. My husband proceeded to begin a story that I knew was going to end up with a graphic description of poo, so being the smartass I am, I began to jump up and down saying, "OOhhh! OOhhh! Tell me about your poo!"

So of course, he told me.

Not to be outdone, seeing my excitement, my three year old takes my hand and looks up at me grinning with pride, "Mommy, I pooped at school today, too!"

Bitchfest '06 - continued

Okay, I am sufficiently rested and hydrated. I am ready to continue...

Bitch #3

What the hell is up with the NFL? They have determined that only those fans attending the Super Bowl between the ages of 18 and 45 will be able to go onto the field while the Rolling Stones play the halftime show. Their excuse is that older fans may not be able to stand that long.

Ummmmm.....aren't the Rolling Stones themselves approximately 106?

Come on people! If I'm old and decrepit I'm going to know that I can't go out on the field. How about letting people use their judgment and fend for themselves. Geesh!

This portion of Bitchfest '06 brought to you by Lucky's Adult Book Store (I know, I know, but you have to take what you can get.)

Bitchfest '06

Prepare the soap box, I’m gettin’ on.

Okay. I have refrained from bitching about current events, etc. lately, but I can no longer hold my tongue. So, in order to do this right, I am presenting to you…dum da da dum da dum!!!!!

BITCHFEST ‘06

That’s right. Not only am I going to bitch about what is pissing me off, I am going to invite you, my wonderful readers, to join in. So, read about my pissy attitude and then please delight me with yours! Now, on with the show…

Bitch #1

David Letterman. Now I am all for voicing your opinion. That’s why we have this document called the Constitution and freedom of speech, blah, blah, blah. But….BUT…if you are going to voice an opinion Mr. Letterman, have some facts to back up your statements.

He invited Bill O’Reilly on his show and proceeded to try to tear him apart. He told O’Reilly that his show was neither “fair” nor “balanced” and when O’Reilly asked him to be specific Letterman said he didn’t know because he didn’t watch the show.

WTF???

How can you have an opinion about a television show you have never seen?

Bitch #2

The Media. Get the facts. That’s all I have to say. Confirm you stories before you run headlines like, “12 Miners Found Alive!” Jerks.

Okay, admittedly that was not THAT much bitching. But I am trying to work my way into the New Year a little at a time. I don't want to pull a valuable bitch muscle you know. Then I might not be able to bitch for the entire season. And then of course, I'd lose my bitch sponsors.

This session of bitchfest '06 has been brought to you by Midol, Pamprin, and the letter K.

So....that’s all I have for today. Feel free to agree or disagree, it’s your right.

Farewell Dinner

Well, here we are, officially a few days into the New Year and already the resolutions have been made, broken and remade.

It’s just sad how easily I can break my New Year’s resolutions. And it’s the same every year – to be healthier, eat better and work out more. Why am I even surprised that I fail?

This year, in an attempt to be completely ready and fully committed to my new, healthy lifestyle, I went out to dinner on New Year’s Eve. This was an attempt to eat all of the fattening, favorite things that I will be denied over the next few months. It was my way of saying, “Farewell fatty foods, you have been good to me, but alas, I must deny myself of you for a short while.”

The dinner started out with a wonderful Caramel Appletini. Um…Yummy! That’s all I have to say about that one.

Next was cheese sticks. More of a bar food appetizer, but my husband's favorite, so that’s what we had. I think the restaurant was aware of our impending resolution (yep…talked the husband into being “healthy” too) and the order had 14 cheese sticks in it. Now, I have never, NEVER, gotten that many cheese sticks in an order, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never eaten more than three or four in a sitting, but wouldn’t you know, we polished them off.

Next were two cheddar bay biscuits (yes, it was Red Lobster) and a Caesar salad with baby shrimp, which was just a precursor to dinner. Oh my glorious dinner, how I loved thee!

First I must say that whoever created the “create your own holiday platter” is a genius. I may give them my Nobel Prize. Seriously.

I ordered snow crab legs, coconut shrimp, stuffed mushrooms and a baked potato. So good. I didn’t finish it all, but I put a huge dent in it.

Of course no fatty dinner is complete without dessert. Charlie and I shared a brownie sundae (or to you Red Lobster fans, the Fudge Overboard).

As we left I was feeling fat and happy. Ready to start my New Year’s resolution at the stroke of midnight.

But then I felt sick. Oh I felt bad. Too much food. Too much fat.

Have you ever felt drunk on food? You get light-headed, a little woozy and start to feel like you can’t think straight? Yep, that was me.

I think this is how it went in my body:

“Brain, this is stomach control. We have an issue here.”

“Stomach control, this is brain. Go ahead.”

“Well, it seems like Sherri has made another New Year’s resolution and is eating herself silly. What should we do?”

“Just keep me apprised of the situation, stomach control, and we’ll play it by ear.”

Enter cheesesticks.

“What the…? Did you see that? I counted at least six, no seven cheese sticks! What is she thinking?”

Enter biscuits, salad and the beginnings of dinner.

“Brain, this is stomach control again. We have a real situation. I don’t think we can take much more. We are dangerously close to maximum capacity. We may have to abort.”

“NO! No abort. The last time we did that in public was 1974. I don’t want a repeat.”

“But what should I do? I’m swimming in drawn butter.”

“Alright stomach control. You have the go ahead to release the flatulence valve. But at least make it an SBD. She can blame it on the baby.”

“Roger that.”

Enter dessert.

“Brain! We need you now more than ever. Please advise! There’s just too much food here to process. What should we do?”

“Okay, here’s what you do. Shut down equilibrium, fine motor-functioning and at a last resort cognizant thought.”

“Thank you Brain. I think we’ll make it through another year.”

I know. You may think I’m silly, but I swear that’s what happens.

And you’re wondering if I kept my resolution right? Well……no. Not on the first or second day anyway. But today is the third day and the first day back at work, so as of 9:20am….success!

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Watchful Woodsman Update:

The Watchful Woodsman was located late Saturday evening. He was lying face down in a very dark corner under the couch. He is currently in stable condition and foul play has not been ruled out. The small Megazord has been questioned and released. You will be updated as more information becomes available.