Something Sucky This Way Comes

So, you are waiting for "Things That Suck - the Week of September 26th", eh?

Well, I don't have a list for you. Not much sucked this week. Everything is great.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding! Here you go:

1. Concert tickets that are $75 for the cheap seats. I mean, really. Who the hell can afford that?

2. The day the weather turns cold and you haven't bought a winter coat yet. It was in the 30's this morning. Ugh.

3. Trying to squeeze a 3 year old into warm clothes that are too small for him because you have yet to buy him winter clothes. Again...ugh.

4. Someone suggesting that your nickname be, "fish taco". No, I'm not kidding. (And no...this does not pertain to what you're thinking.)

5. At precisely the moment you finish days of paperwork and are sighing with relief, the "rubberband man" drops a 6-inch high stack of work on your desk.


That's it for this week. Hope you all have a non-sucky weekend.

Kisses.

Help - This Boy Lost His Frog

Have you ever seen this? I just saw it yesterday for the first time and it made me giggle.

www.lostfrog.org

Journey Through Hell

I have to walk through hell to get to my beautiful office each day. Remember the evil man that works with me and his two evil assistants? Well, my IT friend (pictured in the lower right corner), gave me an idea for an artistic interpretation of this experience.

You will see a cut-away building. There I am, serene, in my office, halo firmly attached. There just outside, lurking, is RLAA (Rather Large Annoying Ass) and his two evil assistants, B1 and B2 (you can figure out what the B's stand for).

See how he holds them in his evil arms as the flames climb higher and higher??? OOOHHHH......

Scary.

It's Procedure

Yesterday I finally found time to call the doctor’s office about a bill I received. I had an abdominal ultrasound done and everything was covered by my insurance. I even had a copy of the EOB stating that my financial responsibility was $0.00.

I called the office that had billed me $104.00. A woman answers the phone:

Office Hag: Hello, XYZ Office, May I help you?

Me: Hi. I received a bill that I believe I don’t owe.

Office Hag: May I have the account number?

I give her the information.

Office Hag: Ma’am, you were billed because we never received your insurance information.

Me: I gave my insurance information when I checked in for my ultrasound.

Office Hag: Yes, but that was for the hospital. This bill is for the radiologist.

Me: So the hospital didn’t give you my insurance information?

Office Hag: We are separate from the hospital ma’am. We have no way of getting that information until you give it to us.

Me: So why didn’t you call me for it?

Office Hag: We have a billing procedure in place. We don’t call for that information.

Me: It seems odd that you have my name and address to send me a bill. Who gave you that?

Office Hag: The hospital provided that information ma’am.

Me: So the hospital can give you my name and address so that you can send me a bill, but you can’t read further down the page and get my insurance information?

Office Hag: Our billing procedure does not include getting that information from the hospital.

Me: So how do you get a patient’s insurance information.

Office Hag: We send you a bill and when you call us we get your information.

WTF!!!!

What the hell kind of procedure is that!

It seems like XYZ office doesn’t like the piddly amounts insurance companies pay and they are trying to screw their patients.

Nice.

Things That Suck - The Week of September 19

1. Absolut Vodka

2. Chinese food from a grocery store

Let's just say, not only do they suck individually, but together they are very near deadly.

Hope you have a great weekend!

The Woods Ain't Just For Peein' Anymore!

The Pennsylvania Turnpike has become an endless source of fascination for me. Initially it was the Toll Takers, then there was a brief encounter with EZ Pass, and now it’s the wide shoulders on the side of the road.

Everyday I take the Northeast Extension to work. There are small sections of the shoulder, probably about 300 or 400 feet long, where the shoulder is about 20 feet wide. I assume this is used mainly as a rest area for truckers as there are usually one or two trucks parked there daily.

Lately, though, I have driven by at the exact time someone is walking from their car to the woods. There are usually two or three cars parked, all are empty and there is a lone man strolling into the woods.

First I thought, ok….this guy’s going to pee. Then I thought, are all the people in the other cars peeing, too? Hmmmm…..? Could that many cars all be broken down together? Odd….

Then it hit me. There’s Something About Mary. You know, the part where rest stops are homosexual havens akin to bathhouses of the 70’s?

I guess that the woods off of the shoulder of the Northeast Extension of the Pennsylvania Turnpike are the new “hot” spot for this type of activity. There just isn’t any other explanation for it.

All this just on my commute to work! I wonder what the day will bring?

Never Said I Was "PC"

All I have to say is:

MWAHAAAHHHAAAAHHHAAAAAA!!!!!

She's A Man, Baby!

Is it just me or do Macy Gray and Fergie look like drag queens?

My Brush With The Devil

There are some people that just creep me out. I don’t know what it is about them. I’m sure everyone knows someone like that. The person that creeps me out just happens to frequent my favorite night club. Unfortunately, he looks just how I imagine the devil would look in human form.

A few weeks ago I was out with some girlfriends when I looked across the bar and saw a guy that made my skin crawl. He had shoulder length black hair, thick black eyebrows and the darkest eyes I have ever seen. He was on the short side and just had an evil air about him. I can’t describe it any other way except that he literally made me feel physically uncomfortable.

I pointed him out to my friends. “Look, that guy looks like the devil, doesn’t he?”

Everyone agreed that he would get the role in a cheesy “B” movie. I avoided him all evening and went home.

This past Saturday I was at the same club. I was standing with a friend when all of a sudden I hear, “Hello. My name is Angelo. Am I bothering you?”

It was the devil.

He would have been scary except his voice was very lispy and feminine. I guess he was trying to pick me up, but I think the look of disbelief along with my lack of response at any of his questions deterred him.

He must have stood and talked to me for 2 or 3 minutes and I just stood there and stared. Later I was told that my eyes were about as wide as they would go and I just looked scared. Eventually he went away.

Later that evening I was talking to another girl that I had just met through some friends. “Eww….there’s that devil guy,” I said as he walked by.

“Oh, you mean, ‘I’m Angelo am I bothering you’?” my new friend asked.

“Shit. That’s what he said to me. That’s a terrible pick up line!” I exclaimed.

“I know. We all just told him that he was bothering us and to go away.”

Now this may seem mean, but here’s a word of advice for all you guys. (This really pertains to everyone whether you resemble the devil or not.) If you want to pick up a girl don’t say, “Hi. Am I bothering you?” Just doesn’t come across as confident.

And if you do look like the devil…..maybe a goth club would better fit your lifestyle. Just a thought.

Things That Suck - The Week of Sept. 12

Here's my list of things that suck for this week:

1. Watching specials on September 11th and realizing that you will never be over it as you sit alone on your couch crying like a baby for all those lost.

2. Getting completely drenched on your way into work because you were too stupid to buy an unbrella after the last time you got drenched on your way into work.

3. Eating your lunch alone in the lunchroom and the office nerd walks in and you have to eat with him because it would be too rude to get up and leave. (And just FYI - it's REALLY disgusting to watch him eat.)

4. Not knowing how to do some of your new job duties and finding out after you ask for help the absolutely NO ONE where you work knows how to do it either.

5. Gas Prices.....need I say more.

6. Scaring the shit out of yourself because you have been home alone for two weeks and instead of getting more comfortable with it you get more and more paranoid everyday.

I'll explain this one.....

As many of you know I had to break into my house a couple of weeks ago. So I was home alone the night before last. It had been raining and it was really muggy outside. There was a tremendous amount of condensation on all the windows of the house. I go into the kitchen to let the dog out the back door when I stop dead in my tracks.

There are two hand prints on the kitchen window. It looks like someone has been standing there peering in at me. My blood runs cold. I have those few seconds where I stop breathing and my heart skips a few beats.

OHMIGOD!!! What do I do? Could they still be out there? Should I call the police?

Then it dawns on me......

Those are my handprints from when I locked my dumb ass out of the house and had to climb through the kitchen window. I just shook my head in shame and let the dog out.

Hope you have a great weekend! :)

Why I Don't Want EZ Pass

I take the turnpike to work and have to stop when I get on to get a ticket and stop when I get off to pay the toll. I've been told by several people that I should get EZ Pass. If you don't already know, EZ Pass is a device that you put on your windshield and it automatically pays your toll from a credit card or your bank account.

Here's why I don't want it.

1. While it may be more convenient it would completely eliminate my need to scrounge in my car for loose change. It is absolutely amazing how many items I find in my car this way. I found a pair of sunglasses that I thought I had lost a year ago and don't even get me started on rogue french fries (I blame the kids).

2. EZ Pass would eliminate the fear of the possibility of some transient homeless person car-jacking me as I pay my toll on a deserted stretch of highway at 1am in the morning. I mean, really.....who doesn't love that thrill.

3. I would definitely have less contact with potential serial killers.

4. I wouldn't be able to tell you the story of my toll booth experience from last night.

I was on my way to a Phillies game. I was in a hurry because for the first time in my life I had tickets for a suite. I was frazzled, running late, and driving like a maniac. When I stopped to pay my toll the toll taker said, "Have a peaceful night."

Kinda odd, huh?

I have heard, "Have a good day", "Thanks", and even been grunted at by a toll taker (is that the PC job title?), but I have never been told, "Have a peaceful night." In fact, I don't think anyone has ever told me that. So while I was mulling it over I saw a hand-written sign on an exit sign. It said, "Repent to Jesus."

Shit.

My mind started on one of its weird tangents.

What if the toll taker was really from God and he used the word "peaceful" to get my attention and then the repent sign was a way to tell me to take stock of my life, etc.?

Okay, I know.....I'm a little weird. But just in case I said a little prayer and slowed down.

See. EZ Pass definitely wouldn't be this fun.

See Ya, Saddam

I had a very odd dream last night and I'm not really sure what to make of it. I will relay it hear and await your analysis, dear readers.

I was sitting in a restaurant, possibly an Applebee's or a TGI Friday's. I was there with my husband, another woman and a man. I didn't realize until the man got up to leave that it was Saddam Hussein. His hair was cut in a flat top, he was wearing a Big Johnson surfer t-shirt, Levi's and sneakers.

As Saddam left I said, "See ya, Saddam."

"Shalom," he replied.

"Did he say, 'Shalom'?" I asked my husband.

The other woman at the table (still unidentified) and my husband started laughing. "Oh that Saddam," the woman replied, "He thought you said, 'See ya, Shalom', not 'See ya, Saddam', so he said 'Shalom' to you. Isn't that funny?!"

I didn't know. Is that funny? I guess Saddam Hussein wouldn't say 'Shalom' would he? Isn't that Jewish? Forgive my ignorant Christian self.

Anyway, that was the end. Just a humorous jaunt that included me having dinner at a generic American chain restaurant with one of the most notorious murderers on the planet.

So.....your diagnosis?

Things That Suck - The Week of Sept. 5, 2005

I have decided that I am going to start a new Friday entry. Every week I am going to list the things that suck for that week. So here's the first edition.

1. People who refuse to talk to you yet read your blog. (Yes, I know you are reading this. I am going to assume you won't talk to me because you finally found that girl with the lazy eye.)

2. People who have more power than you at work yet are intimidated by you. (RLAA for example.)

3. Friends who swear they will always be there for you then univite you to parties.

4. Diet Coke. (I know.....doesn't really flow with this list, but it does suck.)

5. Toll roads that are in ill repair. What exactly are we paying for?

6. Menstrual cramps. REALLY suck!

7. My entire family being together and I'm the only one not there.

8. Missing my kids.

9. Cooking for one.

10. Trying to think up #10 to round out a list. I got nothin'.

Hope you all have a great weekend and it doesn't suck! :)

Mean People Suck

I might be just a touch wasted as I write this so bear with me if I ramble. I have had one hell of a BAD day. It resulted in retail therapy and two rather large ultimate margaritas. Let me recap for you:

I was a little depressed this morning. My husband went to Mississippi to help out with the hurricane relief effort and we decided since he would be in the same town as my parents that he would take the kids. It's only for two weeks and they really enjoy spending time with Grammy and Pawpaw, but I'm a little lonely. When you're used to two little ones running around, a quiet house can be a little overwhelming.

As most of you know I have a new job. I work for the owner of the company. The president of the company's office is right outside of the executive suite where my office is located. His assistant also has a desk there. On Friday, my boss and the president were gone. The president's assistant, who shall now be known as MegaBiatch, was complaining that she had to be at the office because she had to oversee some people coming in who were going to be stuffing envelopes in the conference room for a personal charity of the president. I said, "Wow, so the owner let's him do that here? That's nice."

Apparently what I said got turned around by MegaBiatch to the president, who shall now be known as Rather Large Annoying Ass (or RLAA for short), and he tore me a new one this morning. Apparently he thought I was questioning his right to use the conference room. He was yelling at me so loudly that it could be heard down the hall. He told me, "You have no right to question me. I am the president of the company. You weren't hired to be a detective." He then said a few choice things and closed with, "I hope we have many happy years working together."

I was so freakin' mad. I wanted to tell him off. And you know what I said????

I fucking apologized. For something I didn't even do. So then the more I thought about it the madder I got. And of course when I get mad......I cry.

So I'm sitting at my new job crying, feeling like a total asshole. My boss comes in that afternoon and I told him what happened. And you know what he did???

He actually defended me. He was awesome.

So then as I am finally feeling better about the day my friend from my old job, who invited me to a party on Saturday at her house, emails me to univite me. She talked to her husband last night and he feels that other people where I used to work would feel uncomfortable due to the circumstances of my leaving. WTF???

Some friend, huh?

So then I was upset again.

So I did what any normal girl would do in the same situation. I called a REAL girlfriend. One who actually gives a shit. We went shopping and the had some rather large adult beverages. Thanks R. I feel better.

So They Wanted Professional?!

I just realized it has been almost a week since my last post. I am going to blame it on a fantastic holiday weekend with family and friends. There was drinking, karaoke, dancing, bull riding, swimming, running, screaming, and an all out good time.

So.....what to post?

I thought it might be fun to review a few fairly recent posts and do a little follow up. As most of you know, I recently changed jobs. Not entirely of my own choosing, but a good thing none the less. One of the lame ass....oops....I mean perfectly justified....reasons they gave me for my early termination was that they were looking for a more professional image for the person supporting the office of the CIO.

That's how they put it. "The office of the CIO". It sounds impressive, but if you worked there you wouldn't be impressed.

So anyway, they wanted someone more professional. Let me describe what I look like and my normal work attire. I am 5'8". I wear a size 14. I have long brown hair that is well kept. I usually wore professional slacks and a button down crisp shirt and heels. I didn't wear anything trendy and I have a tattoo on my ankle so I only wore pants to hide it. Overall, I almost looked overdressed in the business casual office that I worked in. Most people only wore khakis and polo type shirts.

Here's a good idea of what I look like on a normal day:



Here's a description of my replacement as given to me by several former colleagues: bleached blonde hair with dark roots, around a size 18 (not that that's important, but HA!), her normal wardrobe is slacks, a tank top which shows her enormous tattoo on her shoulder and a crochet poncho. Some words used to describe her were: "tired, worn out, trashy, biker chick, and rude".

Apparently, this person calls everyone "hon" and within 3 days had told several people that she "supported the office of the CIO" and they should do what she asked.

WWWHHHAAAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAA!!!!!! Sorry....that is hysterical. I hope my old boss is happy with his new skank, I mean assistant.

So anyway, here is my artistic vision of my replacement:



I know. I know. "A little bit catty don't you think, Sherri?" Yes, I suppose you're right. But it sure is fun! ;)

Flannel, Lesbians and Shooting the Bird

I hate impatient drivers. I don't mean the normal impatient type. I mean the ones that the second, the very exact moment, that the light turns green they are laying on the horn. Or the guy who pulls up behind you and is following so close that you feel he is literally pushing your car forward. Or the woman who is in such a hurry that instead of applying the brakes, slowing down, and changing lanes behind you, she speeds up and cuts you off only to slow down to turn.

On my way home from work today I was just about to go as the light turned green and of course, before I could even get my foot off the brake, the guy behind me lays on his horn. Without a moment's thought I shot him the bird. Oops. My two kids were in the car. Luckily they didn't notice, the guy wasn't an insane road rage case, and I made it home safely.

I don't usually shoot people the bird while driving. I learned my lesson many years ago. Today brought back memories of that fateful day.

PreppyGirl and I were riding in my very cool 1991 Eagle Talon Turbo (it was 1991, so I guess it was cool). A very large Cadillac whipped in front of me and slammed on it's brakes to turn into a gas station. I slammed on my brakes barely avoiding an accident.

I was pissed. I was cursing up a storm. PreppyGirl about jumped out of her seat.

"Dammit," I said. "That's bullshit. She cut me off!"

I turned the car around and pulled into the gas station after the Cadillac.

"What are you doing?!" PreppyGirl cried.

"Fuck her," I said.

I pulled up next to the car (the woman hadn't gotten out of her Cadillac yet), flipped her the bird, gave her a smart ass grin, and drove away.

"Oh my Gosh!" PreppyGirl cried. "That was so funny!"

"I know, " I said laughing. "Serves the bitch right!"

"Um...Sherri?"

"Yeah?"

"Isn't that the lady in the Cadillac next to us?" PreppyGirl asked.

I looked to my left and the lady in the Cadillac was next to me. She had an insane look on her face and instantly my blood ran cold. I knew this was a bad situation. I saw a gas station on my right and I decided that I was going to cut through and get away from the Cadillac.

As I pulled into the gas station another car pulled in and blocked my escape route. The woman in the Cadillac whipped in behind me and blocked any chance of retreat.

So your wondering....am I tough? Did I get out of the car and confront her? Did I really show her that she couldn't cut me off?

Um....No.

I freaked out.

The woman in the Cadillac opened her door. The first thing I saw was a large tan work boot. Then I caught a glimpse of red plaid flannel. Then I saw her.

She was huge. The proper word may be mammoth. She was an over six feet tall, boot and flannel wearing lesbian. I was freakin' scared.

She calmly walked over and began knocking on my driver's side window.

PreppyGirl started screaming. All I could hear was, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"

I looked at the car blocking me in and started waving with my hands for her to back up.

"BACK UP! YOU MUST BACK UP!!!!," I screamed.

The girl in the car blocking me looked confused at first. Then she saw the lesbian and a look of terror overcame her.

During my frantic waving and screaming the lesbian was still knocking, "Why don't you come out here and show me that bird again?" she said.

"I was just kidding. " I cried.

"Get your ass out here bitch!" she screamed as she banged harder.

"Um...no thanks. I gotta go. Bye." I yelled as the girl blocking me finally figured out what was going on and moved her car.

I took off. The Cadillac pursued.

"Where's the police station?" I asked.

"Um...I can't remember!" PreppyGirl cried.

So we just drove around until eventually the flannel wearing lesbian apparently got bored and drove away.

As I drove back to PreppyGirl's apartment I told her, "Remind me the next time I decide to kick some ass that I am a wus. Okay?"

_________________

Disclaimer: This post is in no way meant to demean or stereotype lesbians. I love lesbians. Although I am not one and have no interest in having sex with one. Seriously. I love you all. Even the flannel wearing, Cadillac driving ones. Seriously. Please don't hurt me.

People at Their Best.....and Their Worst

Within the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina it is amazing to find the best of humanity, but unfortunately we also see the worst.

The Best:

A family left Biloxi to get out of the path of the storm. Upon returing to find their home completely destroyed they ran out of gas and got a flat tire. They were parked in front of a drug store with nowhere to go. A reporter saw them and asked them about their situation. One of their 4 children said, "I thought it was a junk yard", when she described what was left of their house. While still on camera, the manager of the drug store brought the family two cans of fix-a-flat for their tire and another complete stranger brought over a gas can and put what gas they had in the family's car.

I applaud those good samaritans.

The Worst:

In New Orleans police were ordered to stop rescue efforts and devote their full attention to stopping looters. There have been reports of car jackings, individuals shooting at police and there were even shots fired at a military helicopter that was evacuating the sick and injured.

Now I fully understand if you need to steal food, water or medicine in a situation like this. But these individuals are stealing guns and electronics. They have no intent on helping anyone. They have become lawless and unbelievably dangerous. They are animals and have nothing but my contempt and hatred.

Isn't it amazing how people react differently to crises? Some become strong and remarkable while others show how truly disgusting they are.

My prayers go out to all affected by this disaster. And in some way I suppose that's all of us.