The Neurotic Woman's "One-Day Juice Fast Diet"

There are many weight loss products out there. This one is especially designed for the neurotic woman. Please join me in a brief recap of my day on the “One-Day Juice Fast Diet”.

5:00am : Wake Up. Mix flaxseed with water. Realize that flaxseed doesn’t mix with water. Try to drink it. Gag on what tastes like a clump of sand in the bottom of glass. Throw out flaxseed and water.

6:00am: Drink 1 glass of water.

7:00am: Drink 1 glass of “miracle juice”. Realize this juice is pretty good. Kind of sweet and tangy like cider. This might not be so bad after all.

8:00am: Drink 1 glass of water.

9:00am: Drink 1 glass of “miracle juice”. Realize that while the juice isn’t so bad it is no substitute for morning coffee. Start to feel tired and irritated.

10:00am: Drink 1 glass of water. Go to the bathroom for the 6th time this morning. Smiling coworkers are starting to piss you off.

11:00am: Drink 1 glass of “miracle juice”. Realize that the “tang” in the juice is starting to give you heart burn. Want to take a Tums but not sure if it will affect the results. Suffer through.

12:00pm: Drink 1 glass of water. Pee for the 10th time. Start to smell everyone’s lunch being heated up. Give self a pep talk. You can do this. It will be so worth it.

1:00pm: Drink 1 ½ glasses of “miracle juice”. Realize that juice really tastes like crap. In fact you’re not sure if you can choke the ghastly liquid down. Strengthen your resolve and finish the juice.

2:00pm: Drink 1 glass of water. Realize that you don’t want to drink anything else. You don’t even care about not having any food as long as you don’t have to drink anymore juice or water.

3:00pm: Drink 1 glass of “miracle juice”. Realize that you have a wicked headache from not eating. You are actually starting to feel a little dizzy. Maybe those 3 inch heels you put on this morning weren’t such a good idea.

4:00pm: Drink 1 glass of water. Go to the bathroom for the 15th time today before rushing out to pick up kids from daycare. Realize about halfway home on your 1 hour 15 minute commute that you may not make it without peeing in your pants.

5:15pm: Get home. Run to the bathroom. Pour 1 ½ glasses of “miracle juice”. Look at juice. Contemplate not drinking it. Make dinner for kids. Hold self back from eating kids dinner. Sip on juice. What the hell is this crap?! Pour juice down drain.

6:00pm: Drink 1 glass water. Fight with husband because you are cranky and irritable. Go shopping.

7:00pm: Come home. Pour last cup of “miracle juice” down drain.

8:00pm: Drink 1 glass water. Realize that you have probably done fine today and a few potato chips won’t hurt. Eat potato chips.

9:00pm: Rationalize that you are too hungry to sleep. Call local pizza place and order pizza. Send husband to get it.

9:25pm: Eat half of pepperoni pizza. Go to sleep fat and happy.

So…..that’s the neurotic woman’s “One-Day Juice Fast Diet”. It seems to work okay. I did lose 2 pounds….although I may have wrecked many a personal relationship due to the highly increased level of bitchiness I experienced that day. We’ll just have to see.

Happy Dieting, Ya’ll!