Sue Who? Sue Everybody!
I love crazy people.
Read this and come on back.
Ok....if you were too lazy to go to the link and read the article. Here's the quick and dirty version:
Nasa - colliding a probe with a comet to run tests on the comet....blah blah
Russian Astrologist (aka nutjob) - suing Nasa (for 300 million dollars....waaahhhaaahaaa!) because this collision will "infringe upon my system of spiritual and life values, in particular on the values of every element of creation, upon the unacceptability of barbarically interfering with the natural life of the universe, and the violation of the natural balance of the Universe."
Possible outcome according to Russian Astrologist - collision will cause "mass anxiety" and "disrupt the natural balance of the universe."
Um....so how are you feeling today? Anxious? How's the universe feeling to you? Balanced?
I decided if this Russian Astrologist can sue over the mental stress caused by Nasa colliding a probe with a comet that there were a lot of overlooked opportunities in my life that I should revisit.
List of people I am going to sue:
1. Mrs. Trogden (Jr. Kindergarten Teacher)
Damages - I should have been able to go first on the balance beam. I hate waiting in line. Ever since that day before my 4th birthday that I had to wait for three other kids to go first I have been impatient. You have ruined me for many a career.
I should be awarded.....18 Million dollars.
2. Linda (Friend of my Mom's)
Damages - You forced me to eat broccoli when my Mom was out of town. It is your fault that I had an aversion to vegetables for years and gained weight.
I should be awarded......22 Million dollars (and a lifetime membership to Jenny Craig.)
3. Mrs. Fick (3rd Grade Teacher)
Damages - Losing the spelling bee on "ultraviolet" when you clearly pronounced the word "ultraviolent" and therefore I actually spelled it right. You have ruined my belief in myself that I may actually have the correct answer and due to you I am constantly second guessing myself.
I should be awarded.....14 Million dollars.
4. Ray (Boyfriend in 7th Grade)
Damages - You not only broke up with me, you sent the girl that you broke up with me for over to tell me. I don't care that you are now gay. You suck.
I should be awarded.....86 Million dollars.
5. The Creators of the "Jr. Miss America Pagent"
Damages - You sent me applications to join a beauty pagent. Ugh. What is wrong with you people? This brought about so much anxiety at just the thought of being seen in public in a bathing suit, much less parading on stage in front of hundreds of people. You probably single-handedly sent many a girl into an anorexic craze!
I should be awarded......42 Trillion dollars.
6. Kathy (Crazy Girl I Used to be Friends With)
Damages - Oh where do I begin.....for inviting yourself on my Key West vacation and then wrecking a scooter with one of my actual friends on it which resulted in a day wasted at the hospital, for stealing from your old roommate which resulted in her breaking into MY house and stealing MY best CD's, for trying to steal every guy I dated (yeah....right....aren't you now gay too?).
I should be awarded......14 Billion dollars.
7. Guy Who Cut Me Off in Traffic Today
Damages - You have inhibited my ability to drive without twitching everytime a vehicle comes within 5 feet of my van. When I have an accident it will be your fault.
I should be awarded......4 Million dollars.
Well there you have it.
That's the short list. There are many, many more. But I think that will do to start.
Read this and come on back.
Ok....if you were too lazy to go to the link and read the article. Here's the quick and dirty version:
Nasa - colliding a probe with a comet to run tests on the comet....blah blah
Russian Astrologist (aka nutjob) - suing Nasa (for 300 million dollars....waaahhhaaahaaa!) because this collision will "infringe upon my system of spiritual and life values, in particular on the values of every element of creation, upon the unacceptability of barbarically interfering with the natural life of the universe, and the violation of the natural balance of the Universe."
Possible outcome according to Russian Astrologist - collision will cause "mass anxiety" and "disrupt the natural balance of the universe."
Um....so how are you feeling today? Anxious? How's the universe feeling to you? Balanced?
I decided if this Russian Astrologist can sue over the mental stress caused by Nasa colliding a probe with a comet that there were a lot of overlooked opportunities in my life that I should revisit.
List of people I am going to sue:
1. Mrs. Trogden (Jr. Kindergarten Teacher)
Damages - I should have been able to go first on the balance beam. I hate waiting in line. Ever since that day before my 4th birthday that I had to wait for three other kids to go first I have been impatient. You have ruined me for many a career.
I should be awarded.....18 Million dollars.
2. Linda (Friend of my Mom's)
Damages - You forced me to eat broccoli when my Mom was out of town. It is your fault that I had an aversion to vegetables for years and gained weight.
I should be awarded......22 Million dollars (and a lifetime membership to Jenny Craig.)
3. Mrs. Fick (3rd Grade Teacher)
Damages - Losing the spelling bee on "ultraviolet" when you clearly pronounced the word "ultraviolent" and therefore I actually spelled it right. You have ruined my belief in myself that I may actually have the correct answer and due to you I am constantly second guessing myself.
I should be awarded.....14 Million dollars.
4. Ray (Boyfriend in 7th Grade)
Damages - You not only broke up with me, you sent the girl that you broke up with me for over to tell me. I don't care that you are now gay. You suck.
I should be awarded.....86 Million dollars.
5. The Creators of the "Jr. Miss America Pagent"
Damages - You sent me applications to join a beauty pagent. Ugh. What is wrong with you people? This brought about so much anxiety at just the thought of being seen in public in a bathing suit, much less parading on stage in front of hundreds of people. You probably single-handedly sent many a girl into an anorexic craze!
I should be awarded......42 Trillion dollars.
6. Kathy (Crazy Girl I Used to be Friends With)
Damages - Oh where do I begin.....for inviting yourself on my Key West vacation and then wrecking a scooter with one of my actual friends on it which resulted in a day wasted at the hospital, for stealing from your old roommate which resulted in her breaking into MY house and stealing MY best CD's, for trying to steal every guy I dated (yeah....right....aren't you now gay too?).
I should be awarded......14 Billion dollars.
7. Guy Who Cut Me Off in Traffic Today
Damages - You have inhibited my ability to drive without twitching everytime a vehicle comes within 5 feet of my van. When I have an accident it will be your fault.
I should be awarded......4 Million dollars.
Well there you have it.
That's the short list. There are many, many more. But I think that will do to start.
posted by Sherri at 6:51 AM
4 Comments:
I don't think this woman is completely off base. There are a lot of variables that we don't know ~ what if the probe chanaged the trajectory of the comet (even minutely) and now the next pass it makes the Earth is in it's path.
I don't know, messing with cosmic stuff freaks me out because I believe everything is balanced just right. Mankind is gonna fuck it up for sure.
Princess: I do agree with what your saying about trajectory and cosmic doom, however I just can't get my head around the fact that the collision of a probe with this comet will cause this person mental anguish due to the changing of her horoscope and that should entitle her to billions of dollars.
Run for the hills! OMG! We are all gonna die! NOOOOOOOOO.
Sorry, I just saw War of the Worlds last night starring our favorite scientologist... I wasn't going to go but it was the wife's birthday and her pick so we went and I am glad I did... helluva movie.
But anyway,
OMG We are all going to burn up and die!
So, this astrologer is suing on behalf of everyone in the Universe? If we go on the assumption that no one not currently living on Earth will respond when Public Notice of the Class Action Suit Filed On Their Behalf is sent via Cosmic Shout Out, then we should divide the proceeds up by 6 billion.
So how would you like your nickel?
I'll take mine by cashier's check.
~Kurt
Post a Comment
<< Home