The Sherri Show
I’m not really into reality shows. Usually I just think they’re stupid. But I have to say, I think my life would be a great one. There is one condition….my thoughts would have to be a continuous voiceover. That’s the only way it would be truly funny. Here’s an example:
Yesterday a man came to my office to drop off a membership application for my boss’s country club. He wanted my boss to sponsor him. The receptionist called up and said that he was there and wanted to make copies and could I come down and help him.
Shit. I had NO time. I was working with the safety director discussing a new database that I was going to create for him, because I.T. is certainly part of my job function, right? (*please note sarcasm).
Anyway, I wasn’t sure if this guy was actually a personal friend of my boss or not and he wasn’t in the office to ask so I figured I should err on the side of safety.
I get downstairs and the guy is just weird. I can tell from looking at him. He has on khakis that are too short, loafers, a plaid button down shirt and a sweater vest. He has glasses, greasy dark hair and a GIANT angry red zit on his neck.
“Sherri?” he says.
“Yes, hello. Is there something I can help you with.”
Eww….he’s so gross. He kind of smells too.
“I need to make some copies if that’s ok.” He holds out an inch thick book.
Damn. I don’t have time for this shit. I don’t wanna. Don’t wanna!
“Sure. Follow me to the copy room.”
We walk over to the copy room. It’s one that is downstairs that I never use and I didn't realize that the door automatically closes or I would have never gone there with him. There’s no way to hold it open. Shit. I don't want to offend him by leaving in case he's friends with my boss. I’m closed up in a small little copy room with this creep.
Oh God! This is so gross. Please don’t let him touch me. I know I’ll cringe and quite possibly scream.
“What do you need to copy?” I ask.
“Oh, just a few pages out of this book. I had some artwork that was damaged and I need to send these copies to my lawyer”, he replies.
“Okay.”
He proceeds to try to copy some pages out of the book. It’s cumbersome to do, so he is holding the book on the copier, pressing the spine down so that it copies accurately, while I push the button for him. I had to stand way to close to him.
This so totally sucks. Hurry the F up, mister. Boring. Boring. This is so boring. Oh I hate this. I hate him. I hate copy machines. I have so much work to do. Why am I helping this man?
I look down and then I notice the artwork in the book.
Holy Shit! Is that chick naked? And what is she doing with her hand?! OHMIGOD!
All the pictures were like that. I was shut up on the copy room with this weirdo while he made copies of some creepy soft porn artwork.
Gross, but quite possibly, funny.
Yesterday a man came to my office to drop off a membership application for my boss’s country club. He wanted my boss to sponsor him. The receptionist called up and said that he was there and wanted to make copies and could I come down and help him.
Shit. I had NO time. I was working with the safety director discussing a new database that I was going to create for him, because I.T. is certainly part of my job function, right? (*please note sarcasm).
Anyway, I wasn’t sure if this guy was actually a personal friend of my boss or not and he wasn’t in the office to ask so I figured I should err on the side of safety.
I get downstairs and the guy is just weird. I can tell from looking at him. He has on khakis that are too short, loafers, a plaid button down shirt and a sweater vest. He has glasses, greasy dark hair and a GIANT angry red zit on his neck.
“Sherri?” he says.
“Yes, hello. Is there something I can help you with.”
Eww….he’s so gross. He kind of smells too.
“I need to make some copies if that’s ok.” He holds out an inch thick book.
Damn. I don’t have time for this shit. I don’t wanna. Don’t wanna!
“Sure. Follow me to the copy room.”
We walk over to the copy room. It’s one that is downstairs that I never use and I didn't realize that the door automatically closes or I would have never gone there with him. There’s no way to hold it open. Shit. I don't want to offend him by leaving in case he's friends with my boss. I’m closed up in a small little copy room with this creep.
Oh God! This is so gross. Please don’t let him touch me. I know I’ll cringe and quite possibly scream.
“What do you need to copy?” I ask.
“Oh, just a few pages out of this book. I had some artwork that was damaged and I need to send these copies to my lawyer”, he replies.
“Okay.”
He proceeds to try to copy some pages out of the book. It’s cumbersome to do, so he is holding the book on the copier, pressing the spine down so that it copies accurately, while I push the button for him. I had to stand way to close to him.
This so totally sucks. Hurry the F up, mister. Boring. Boring. This is so boring. Oh I hate this. I hate him. I hate copy machines. I have so much work to do. Why am I helping this man?
I look down and then I notice the artwork in the book.
Holy Shit! Is that chick naked? And what is she doing with her hand?! OHMIGOD!
All the pictures were like that. I was shut up on the copy room with this weirdo while he made copies of some creepy soft porn artwork.
Gross, but quite possibly, funny.
posted by Sherri at 8:39 AM
5 Comments:
So... you know, WAS he your boss's friend?
I get that all the time! You get strangers calling that MIGHT be someone your boss knows personally, or MIGHT be a client he's been wooing that I just don't know about... and you bend over backward to be nice and helpful and then you wind up helping them photocopy creepo porn. Not always. But you know. It happens.
My favorite moment - the GIANT angry red zit on his neck. You HAD me at the giant angry red zit on his neck.
Hey, pitch it to the execs at ABC Family. I'd watch it!
A friend of my sister's used to work for ABC Family as -- get this -- a WRITER for a reality TV show. Yes. He was a writer for a reality TV show. Let me say that again...he was a WRITER FOR A REALITY TV SHOW.
His job was to look at all the hundreds of meaningless hours of raw video footage and find the elements of a story. Then, he would write a script that would be compelling enough to sell commercial air time. The show would then be edited according to his story, with absolutely no regard for the actual sequence of events or the relative importance of them.
I should add that this guy is a smart, funny, creative man who hasn't the faintest tinge of the creepy about him.
~Kurt
Okay. Majorly creepy. So what happened next??!!
I think that maybe I would have had an "unfortunate copy machine accident" in regards to this guy.
Ew! That's pretty creepy.
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